Struggle Session is a bonus column where I respond to comments. I also share a question submitted to Savage Love and let my readers have the first crack at giving the advice.
No Struggle Session this week — I’m flying to NYC today to speak at Sessions Live 2026 — but my sense of honor requires me to share this short, devastating, record-correcting email from Hans before posting The Thursday Letter…
Hey Dan, Nancy, and the tech savvy at risk youth! Quick note on Dan’s suggested gay anthems: “We Kiss In a Shadow” is from The King and I not South Pacific. Otherwise, very well done and thanks for the Rodgers & Hammerstein shout-out, regardless. Keep up the great work!
I’ve never been so mortified. Of course “We Kiss In a Shadow” (not “We Kiss In the Shadows,” which is what I said in last week’s intro) is from King and I and not South Pacific! I don’t know how I made such a dumb mistake! Argh!
Thank you, Hans, and please forgive me, Richard and Oscar!
Okay, here’s The Thursday Letter — a follow-up question from The Birthday Orgy caller..
Hi, Dan! I’m the Birthday Orgy caller from Episode 1017. I commented this elsewhere but wanted to clarify — we DID tell our friends that neither of us had gotten off, and we DID say we both still wanted to get off after everyone else had had their orgasms. We used our words! Our friends, who we fuck regularly (and two of whom I’ve known longer than my husband) said they were all game but then kind of just gathered around us while we fucked and continued to talk, LOUDLY, about non-sexy topics and just kind of ignored us. It was like a dinner conversation where, instead of flowers, the centerpiece of the table that nobody was paying attention to was two people fucking.
My hubby and I also tried to continue and give each other orgasms, but the conversation and being completely ignored from folks we regularly fuck privately or in smaller groups was a huge boner killer.
As for my one precious orgasm…
I often do keep going afterwards for lengthy periods of time and have a great time doing so, but it seems like if I don’t get off early during group play, it’s not going to happen for me at all. And unfortunately, since I’ve had some issues with body changes due to a hysterectomy and oophorectomy, getting off can be rather difficult for me even with a skilled partner, a strong vibrator, and HRT. It’s like hitting one specific mirror on a disco ball with a dart — it’s a tiny target, and it moves around.
So, I guess my follow up question is this: With this in mind, should I just be content to not get off? Is surgical menopause at 37 years old and my now limited sensitivity (even with HRT!) a year later just making me too much work to get off during group sex? Should I just content myself with never getting off (even if I want to) and just live vicariously through my friends? What do I do?
The Birthday Orgy Caller
I’m gonna let my readers advise TBOC — that is the point of The Thursday Letter — but I wanna offer some general advice to anyone planning an orgy, a sex party, a rope jam: tell your guests that inane chatter while other people are fucking — or fisting or tying each other up — is against the rules. Nattering on about Star Trek or DTF St. Louis or Bridgerton while other people are fucking, fisting etc., is rude and it ruins the vibe. Dirty talk is allowed while you’re playing, of course, as are murmured words of encouragement while other people play, but otherwise… unless something is going into your mouth, keep your mouth shut.
Okay, got some advice for TBOC? Drop it in the comments!