How do you feel about the rise of “passport bros”? A friend of mine rearranged his life after his divorce and now spends about half the year overseas dating. He insists it’s not exploitation or colonialism — just a life hack — since his income goes three times as far abroad. He’s basically able to live like a one-percenter when he’s overseas. You’ve often advised callers to move to new cities to start fresh, and he argues that status matters everywhere, so why not live where your money and status stretch further? He says he’s honest with women, in that he tells them he’s not looking for anything serious, but I still think he’s lying to himself about the power imbalance — especially in the Southeast Asian countries he visits. He’s anti-MAGA, which complicates the stereotype he claims most passport bros fit. He argues that Los Angeles has a huge imbalance between women and men, and that women naturally gravitate toward status, such as education, career, or finances — so why not flip the status equation overseas? Is he an asshole lying to himself, Dan, or has he found the ultimate life hack?
Dudes Unrigging Dating
Your friend isn’t flying off to Southeast Asia because he wants to eat in nicer restaurants, DUD, he’s going there because his “status” rises along with the relative poverty of local women. The worse off they are, the better off he is. So, while your friend can vote Democratic and be honest with the Southeast Asian women he’s fucking about his intentions, your friend knows — and you don’t have to pretend he doesn’t know — that he’s exploiting the women he “dates.” While some women may only want him for his body (and I’d need to see some shirtless pics before signing off on that), poor and/or much poorer women fuck him while he’s “overseas dating” because he lives locally like a one-percenter… and so, however briefly, do the women who fuck him when he’s abroad. He can argue the exploitation is mutual — he’s after their bodies, they’re after his money — and insist, again, that he’s being honest about his intentions, but many of the women who fuck him no doubt hope they’ll be the exception — the woman who convinces him to commit — and that he’ll lift them out of their (relative) poverty permanently. And there’s a good chance your friend behaves in ways that lead each woman he “dates” to think she just might be the exception. So, yeah. I’m putting my money on “asshole lying,” DUD, and not “ultimate life hack,” DUD.
P.S. I’m pro sex work, DUD, which means I’m not opposed to sex that is strictly transactional. But I’m anti bullshit, and your friend is bullshitting himself (and you) when he claims he’s “dating” these women. He’s employing them, DUD, but paying them less than an honest john would pay an honest sex worker.
P.P.S. The Economist did a deep dive into the culture, intentions, and attitudes of passport bros.
I am in a happy marriage. My husband is an attractive, creative, good person that I love to talk to. We are best friends and he’s a great father to our two kids. We’ve been together for fifteen years and married for thirteen. We are both openly bi, but I’ve never been in a relationship with a woman. About eight years ago my libido sank and I just assumed it was because of PCOS and getting older. I had no crushes or desires. The only time we really have conflict is when we talk about me not being affectionate or not wanting to have sex. We were having sex maybe once a month. Recently, I started working with a woman. The first time she talked to me, Dan, my body exploded. Exploded. Like my libido was pounding in my pants stronger than it did when I was twenty. I’ve gotten to know her more hoping it would fade away and we would just end up friending up. It didn’t fade away, it got stronger. The more we hang out, the happier I am, and the hornier I am. My revived libido has translated into me and my husband having tons of sex. It’s also made me realize maybe I’m more gay than I am straight and I’m wondering if I should leave my beautiful marriage and stable family life for the total risk of a new life. I would love to be with the work woman, but she is more of a catalyst for a revelation that I should be with women. But maybe I’m being dramatic. What should I do?
A Whole New World
At the risk exposing myself as a conservative plant… I don’t think running away and joining the lesbian circus would be fair to your kids. Your marriage sounds like a happy one, your husband sounds like a gem, and it sounds like you and your husband are fucking again. While I would never want to be seen privileging heterosexual relationships over lesbian ones… or instrumentalizing sapphic desire in the service of straight marriage (God forbid)… I think your improved/improving sex life with your husband and, more importantly, the children you had together — and the implicit commitment you made to your children when you had them — argue against ending your beautiful marriage.
While you describe you and your husband as openly bisexual, AWNW, you don’t describe your marriage itself as open. If it’s not and you’re in a risk-taking mood, maybe a conversation with your husband about opening your marriage — as opposed to ending it — will satisfy your need to take a risk. He knows you’re bisexual (with a lesbian lean), you know he’s bisexual. Does he know you have a crush on a woman from work? Does he know he has this crush/woman to thank for all the pussy he’s been getting? If not, maybe you should tell him? If he’s as wonderful as you say he is, and if he’s always been supportive of your bisexuality — and if he’s interested in acting on his own — you might be able to have it all: a wonderful husband, a stable home life, and a girlfriend.
P.S. For the record: I don’t think people should remain in miserable, high-conflict, emotionally-abusive or physically-abusive marriages “for the kids.” But AWNW’s marriage is none of those things.
My husband and I just started swinging after twenty years together. We found another couple recently that’s compatible with us. They are also new-ish to the lifestyle, but they’ve had more experiences than us. We have hooked up twice so far, everything went awesome. Except I have noticed both times that neither of the men — not my husband, not the other woman’s husband — finished (ejaculated) even though we went on for several hours both times. I had three orgasms last time! And the wife is a squirter, so that was fun to watch. I brought up the subject via text when we were making plans for another playdate. Basically, I asked if there was an unspoken agreement I wasn’t aware of where the men agreed not to come. With my husband, I know he had a harder time because of the condom, but I make him come at home all the time. So, now I’m on a mission to make the other guy come. I think it’s gratifying to see a man come. He gives a lot (oral), I think it should be reciprocal, but he says he enjoys giving orgasms more than getting them. Also, to make it worse, the other woman says she doesn’t actually have orgasms during playdates either even though she squirts?!? Should I just leave this alone? Or make it a personal mission to make everyone else come?
Completing Orgasmic Mission Eventually!
You’re new to swinging (are people still calling it that?) — welcome to the lifestyle! (are people still calling it that?) — and it sounds like you’re carrying two perfectly reasonable/laudable partnered sex assumptions into group sex settings. Namely, that everyone needs or wants to orgasm every single time and that a good partner makes sure their partner gets off.
First: lots of men — men who are new to swinging, men who are more experienced swingers — don’t necessarily need or want to come during group playdates. Some men can’t because condoms make it harder, some newbies can’t come due to performance anxiety issues that resolve in time. For other men, trying not to finish too fast — because most men are “one and done” — backfires and they “miss their window” and wind up not being able to come at all. Since your husband and this other guy are likely to crash out after they come, it makes sense they’d choose to pace themselves, even at the risk of not coming at all.
Second: it’s always good to be invested in your partner’s pleasure — there wouldn’t be an orgasm gap if all straight men everywhere were as invested in their partners’ pleasure as you are — but “making” everyone else at your playdate come because you regard their orgasms as proof they’re having fun and/or proof that you’re a good fuck isn’t the vibe you want to carry into a group sex situation. What you want to do is this: Make sure everyone knows that you’re ready, willing, and able to get them off if they want to get off. And since you’ve already let everyone know that, COME, mission accomplished. If someone wants your help getting off, they’ll let you know. If they don’t, you can relax and enjoy your orgasms without guilt.
TLDR: leave this alone.
P.S. If you need proof this couple had a great time and that you’re a good fuck, COME, the fact that this couple showed up for a second playdate and wants to schedule a third should suffice. (As a general rule, swingers don’t keep swinging with people they had a bad time with to be polite.)
P.P.S. Pressure — the sense that your partner is going to be disappointed if you don’t come — has never made it easier for someone to get off.
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