The Thursday Letter this week is a long one, gang, and it’s about a subject we’ve talked about before: the sexless marriage.
I’ve responded to tons of letters over the years from people in sexless marriages — I vaguely recall writing a column fifteen or twenty years ago declaring myself done with the subject — but the subject can’t be avoided or ignored. If anything, the number of letters I get from people in sexless marriages is greater now than it was twenty years ago. (Is that because there are more sexless marriages now or is it because my readers have aged along with me and more of them are in sexless marriages now? Discuss.)
Now, whenever the subject comes up — or at least when straight married men in write in about being in a sexless marriage — readers assume the LW must be doing something wrong. The LW must not be loving enough or he must not doing his fair share of the housework or he must not be taking care of himself and his wife is simply too exhausted or resentful or disgusted (or all of the above) to wanna fuck him. And while there are certainly plenty of emotionally absent husbands out there and husbands who don’t help out around the house and husbands who can’t be bothered to bathe — hell, there are straight men out there who can’t be bothered to wipe their own asses — I don’t think it’s always the case that the LW, when male, is Doing Something Wrong. Sometimes he’s Doing Everything Right (or he’s not doing anything on the short list of obvious and easily rectified things he could be doing wrong) and the issue is actually something outside his control.
Which brings us to today’s very long letter from a man in a sexless marriage. We only have the LW’s account to go on here, I realize, but let’s assume he’s not lying about being emotionally attentive and doing his fair share of the household labor and keeping his ass clean because — besides the sympathy of strangers — where would lying to us about his behavior get him?
Alright, here’s the letter…
I don’t know if you or your listeners can help me, but here goes: I am a 55-year-old man married for 30 years to a 54-year-old woman. We have two adult children. She and I both work regular jobs, we enjoy each other’s company, we have mutual interests, go out on regular dates, take trips together, all the stuff you’re supposed to do in a healthy marriage. We text each other lovey-dovey messages and hug each other in random moments around the house.‘Since menopause, my wife’s sex drive has shut down completely. She’s been on HRT and has changed prescriptions at least once that I’m aware of. Though she is still affectionate and loving, she has no desire whatsoever in any kind of romantic touching, kissing, petting, fondling or anything that could lead to any of our clothes coming off. She seems to always have an excuse, explanation, reason for “not feeling it.” (“Too tired,” “too stressed,” “too late,” “too early.”) I’ve always told her I understood, “No pressure, I’m here when you’re ready and willing,” and backed off.‘In addition to my full-time job, I share in the household chores. We both make the meals. We both do the dishes. We both do the laundry, clean up after our pets and all that. I don’t keep score, but I’d say we’re pretty even in the duties. I massage her shoulders, legs and feet EVERY DAY when she comes home from work. Not because I’m trying to get into her pants, but because I love her and I know how physically demanding her job is. I genuinely feel so close and connected to her when I make her feel better and now, sadly, the kiss I get after her massage is the last bit of intimacy I get.‘The first few times I brought up the subject of the lack of sex in our marriage she was understanding and told me to be patient. I understood. She had her gyno give her a different HRT prescription but nothing changed. After a while, I brought it up again after a few months and she told me that she is aware and feels bad that she’s not doing her part in that aspect of our marriage and that perhaps on one of our trips when we’re in a hotel, she might be more in the mood with a change of scenery. She actively avoided any attempt at intimacy on that trip. She knew I was disappointed, but I didn’t say a word.‘I would only bring this up once every few months since I know that she’s aware and that I’m really trying to let her work out her situation. However, the most recent time I brought it up, she got very very defensive and it frankly hurt my feelings. I haven’t brought it up in over 6 months now and it almost feels like she’s relieved that I’ve stopped asking.‘I am in tears typing this email to you. I miss her so much. I miss how it felt to be so close and connected TO THE ONE PERSON who is supposed to WANT TO have sex with me. I am in good physical shape for my age, I’ve kept my looks, I still have a full head of hair, I work out 3 times a week, I take care of myself, I have good hygiene, I listen to her needs, I’ve been a good husband and dad, I don’t understand!‘I’m not perfect, but I’m not some hideous monster of a husband either. I miss the woman who used to sneak up behind me and grab my butt and say things like “oh yeah, that’s my man right there”. I miss when we’d spoon in bed in the middle of the night and it would just naturally spontaneously lead to lovemaking. I don’t expect her to want it 24/7 or how we were when we were younger, but for the love of God, I’m starving out here! The other day, I actually cried over a car commercial where the husband and wife snuck away from their kids to make out in the car. That used to be us. And YES I’ve told her all of these things!‘I don’t know what else to do. I’ve plotted these scenarios and I don’t see any of these as realistic or satisfactory.‘1. Counseling. What will this even accomplish? If they see it my way, they’ll tell her to review her HRT with her gyno and see what can be done. She can already DO THIS! We don’t need counseling to tell us that, so she either clearly doesn’t want to or there is nothing that they can prescribe for her.‘2. Acceptance. I should just get used to my right hand and my smartphone in the bathroom and realize that is my future. Be happy that the sweet kiss and the hug I get from her when she greets me is all the action I’m ever gonna experience.‘3. Side chick. How would that even happen? How would I pull that off? When would I pull that off? Where would I pull that off? I’d have to get on an app, with my photo and profile and someone we know could find me. Also, any side person would have to be OK with the fact that I’m a married man stepping out on his wife. And EVEN IF I found someone who was on board with all that, I would have to do it in secrecy constantly looking over my shoulder or deleting messages on my phone. Turn off my location and hope she wouldn’t notice. And if I was found out, our friends and family wouldn’t see a guy who was starved for affection at home, they would see a scumbag who cheated on his poor wife.‘4. Sex worker. Even if I could talk myself into going to a legal brothel in Nevada, I don’t realistically see myself spending hundreds or thousands of dollars for one night of intimacy that will probably result in personal shame and zero solution to my lack of intimacy with my wife. What if it was GREAT? Now, I have to spend hundreds of dollars to get my sexual needs met by someone who was paid to do so?? Maybe my sexual needs would be met for an hour, but how does that address my feelings of loneliness of not holding my wife afterward?‘5. Divorce. Not an option. I love my wife. I’m not interested in ending my marriage with no guarantee that I’ll even find someone else to start over and fulfill my happiness for the rest of the time I have on this earth. We’d have to sell our home, split up our family. No. Not an option.‘6. Ask for an open marriage. I seriously doubt that she’d be OK with this. And, honestly, that just sounds like extortion. “Either have sex with me or I’ll get it somewhere else”. Would I really want my wife to have sex with me under duress?? Even if she gave in, would she REALLY BE OK with me getting on the apps and going out with other women? I just don’t see it. Even if she said she was OK with it, she wouldn’t be OK with it. I know her.‘I appreciate you taking the time to read this. Even if you can’t help, it’s at least been helpful to write my feelings to you instead of keeping it inside.‘Happily United But Sexually Stymied