Open Your Mouth

...Now that I am back home, he constantly sends me e-mails and expects immediate answers. He professes his undying love to me and signs his e-mails with “Love ya, sweetie” and shit like that. Now he wants to fly over here to see me. I have already decided NEVER to have sex with him again. I don’t want to hurt him, but I can’t stand his letters anymore. I don’t love him like he loves me. I’m not interested in being with him ever again. He’s a really nice guy and I’d like to stay in touch, but he acts as though we were serious boyfriends. Though we were fucking all the time, it wasn’t ever a true relationship to me. But since I was the first person he told about his homosexuality, he credits me with being the single most important person he has ever met. I don’t want to seriously maim the guy’s feelings but I also don’t want to read his heartfelt letters anymore. I don’t feel that way toward him. HELP! Confused In Canada Open your mouth, CIC, and solve your problem. It’s nice that you don’t want to hurt this man’s feelings, but your desire to spare him is what got you into this mess in the first–no, wait. I take that back. It was your willingness to take advantage of a guy you weren’t “all that into,” a guy who was not only closeted but a virgin too, so you could “experiment” on his ass “every day for two months” that got you into this mess in the first place. You could have spared yourself the emotional torment of having to read “Love ya, sweetie” in his letters if you had simply refrained from fucking him once you realized that his feelings for you were so much more intense than yours were for him. But that was then. Now you’re back in Canada and this poor, deluded sap is sending you love letters and planning to come and visit. So what do you do? You stop telling him what he wants to hear. You’ve been telling him what he wants to hear since that night you got drunk and decided to experiment on him, a mistake you compounded by telling him you loved him. You may think you covered your ass by tacking an “albeit in a different way” on to the end of “I love you” but he didn’t hear your lame qualifier. All he heard were those three magic words–love’s like that, whether you’re talking requited, unrequited, delusional, man-on-dog, whatever. So it’s time to face the music, CIC. You brought him out, you took his virginity, and now you’re going to break his heart. Write the boy a letter, tell him you don’t love him, tell him you don’t want him to come and see you, and tell him you’re not going to read any more of his letters or e-mails. Will it hurt? Yes. But we all get our hearts broken sooner or later, CIC, and I assure you that this boy will recover. Most gay men at some point in their lives found themselves on the receiving end of some selfish bisexual guy’s “experiment” and the vast majority of us get over it. My boyfriend is uncircumcised. In general, no big deal. However his dick often tastes and smells like pee. I’ve observed that he does not pull back the foreskin when taking a piss, and I think pee gets trapped under the foreskin. I often find myself unable to give him blowjobs because I dislike the taste and smell. I want to be a game lover–and if a man didn’t want to go down on me because of the taste, I’d think he was an insensitive bastard–but I know I’ll never enjoy giving him oral sex while I’m tasting pee. Is this a common problem with uncircumcised men? What can be done? Do other uncircumcised men pull back the foreskin when peeing? No Pee For Me Hmm. Now that I think of it, a lot of my mail involves situations in which people can solve their problems by opening their mouths. So common are these situations that I believe it’s acronym worthy: OYMSYP, NPFM–open your mouth, solve your problem. Tell your boyfriend that if he wants you to suck his cock he’s going to have to start pulling his foreskin back when he takes a piss. It’s not a lot to ask and it’s what most uncut men already do. Unless he’s limber enough to auto-fellate, he may not be aware that his urination technique is leaving his dick in an unappetizing condition. OYMSYP without delay. My favorite movie musical song is the Jane Russell number in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, “Ain’t There Anyone Here for Love?” which goes something like this: “I like big muscles and red corpuscles, I like a beautiful hunk of man.” Problem is I don’t seem to attract muscle men myself. Obviously it’s a big fantasy, but can this fantasy come true? Try as I might, I can’t seem to get to first base, let alone up to bat. Do you think this can ever happen? Alone In Albany Sure it can happen, AIA, if you’re willing to pay to play. Gym memberships, protein supplements, and steroids are all expensive, and there are lots of body builders out there who help make ends meet by renting themselves to guys like you. “It’s a big fantasy for a lot of people,” says Trey Rexx, a great big hunk of an escort who lives and works in Salt Lake City–yes, the one in Utah. (You can check out Trey at www.treyrexx.com.) “Some people make a big deal about ‘not wanting to pay for it,’ but what I tell people is that you wind up paying for it somehow. Even if it’s just a dinner date, you’re paying for it. Why is it such a big deal to pay to see someone you know to be your physical ideal to fulfill a fantasy?” So does a muscular male escort get a lot of work in a conservative place like Utah? “Definitely,” says Trey, “a lot of it is ‘straight’ men, mostly.” It always is, isn’t it? Finally, mail from people who want to praise, bury, or perfect my “drug-support payments” proposal continues to pour in. Should guys who infect others with HIV have to help pay the costs of the drugs the people they infect are going to need to stay alive? To read all about it, go to www.thestranger.com/specials/savage/drugsupport.html. [email protected]