STRUGGLE SESSION: Hot Daddies, Shitty Threesomes, Disappointing Parents, and More!

...ays the reason he text-bombs to the point of driving people away is “since I feel late to the party, I need to move things along quickly to make up for lost time.” But assuming that he’s under 45, BLOWIT has plenty of time to have fun with daddies, slings, rubber, leather, gimp suits, etc. Maybe he needs to remind himself of that. Even if he’s over 45 — ahem — there’s still plenty of time for slings, rubber, leather, gimp suits, etc. Says Reality Bites in response to NoCuteName’s comment… Indeed — the daddies themselves are evidence the party doesn’t end quickly. But really, you’re never late to the party, because your own party doesn’t start till you’re there. Agreed: the daddies themselves — to say nothing of BLOWIT’s desire to get with daddies — are proof the party doesn’t end quickly. Every time I see a 29-year-old gay dude posting something to his socials about how his life is almost over… I wanna to show him my dance card. (For the record: “dance card” was an already ancient reference back when I was a twink.) I also wanna warn him about the dangers of self-fulfilling prophecies: people who convince themselves that life ends at 30 or that life ends once they’re married or that life ends after they have kids often stop living once they turn 30 or get married or have kids. My God, I was 30 when I met my husband and 48 (and married! and a parent!) when I met my boyfriend! Life does not end at 30. Or 40. Or 50. (Or 80, as the wonderful Joan Price is here to remind us!) Great advice for TIT from CinderellaAfter40… As far as TIT is concerned, if you think you were a willing participant (i.e. you chose to get high; while you were high, you chose to [take part in a threesome]) going to a good therapist is a much better option than going to the cops. Even if you can’t imagine why you would have consented but have no proof that you didn’t, the cops are just going to shrug and say there’s nothing they can do… and you feel violated all over again. Take care of you, don’t worry about what other people say/think, and, if it comes up with someone because they’ve told the story, smile and say, “I can’t imagine why they would share that story. It’s not exactly the truth and there’s really no version of it where they are very impressive.” It doesn’t confirm the details and cuts any power they might have gained through your shame. Says KindnessIsKey about the same letter… I felt like “brush this off” was an insensitive ending to Dan’s response to Tricked Into Threesome. Tricked: I’m deeply sorry you were coerced (at least on some level) into a sex act while under the influence. That’s really shitty on its own — and now you’re afraid of violence? I’m deeply sorry. I truly hope for your sake that it’s just rumors. I didn’t advise TIT to brush it off, Kindness, I advised TIT to resume brushing it off, and that’s a difference with a distinction. Years ago, TIT made up her mind not to dwell on the shitty threesome she had with her shitty ex because there was nothing she could do about it. Reverting to what worked for TIT in the past (brushing it off) isn’t just TIT’s best option, it’s her only option; the police aren’t going to do anything about a coerced threesome (as opposed to a forced threesome), vague threats, and the hypothetical possibility of blackmail. Shrugging it off is going to be harder now, I realize, seeing as TIT is now living in the same town as her shitty ex, but it’s her only option. SloMoPoMo makes a good point: TIT didn’t mention this, but blackmail? Are there pictures she’s worried about? Photos — if they exist — could be the “blackmail material” TIT was worried about. But unless TIT’s ex and his friend shared photos without her consent and/or threatened to share them without her consent, no crime has been committed. But if TIT’s ex is sharing photos to embarrass or humiliate her, that is a crime — revenge porn is a crime — and TIT should go to the police. Zooming out for a second: as much as we all might wish being talked into shitty sex — sex we instantly regretted — was a criminal offense, it’s not. Best practices: no one should have sex with anyone who isn’t sober. Actual practices: people have sex with people who aren’t sober all the time — sometimes both/all parties are under the influence — and the legal standard isn’t (and I’m paraphrasing here) “having sex with someone who isn’t sober is a crime,” but rather “having sex with someone who is incapacitated is a crime.” While it’s obviously true that a person can be too high to consent to sex, it doesn’t automatically follow that someone who’s high can’t consent to sex. But of course anyone who’s had shitty sex — because they felt pressured, because they felt coerced, because they were high, or because they realized after the fact that they were being lied to or played — deserves our sympathies and TIT definitely has mine. Says Thumper on Bluesky… Dan Savage says anti-gay Arizona Republican Nick Cupper is probably a closeted self-hating gay man and I have to say my crusty old gaydar is also pinging to life with this one. I’m not saying he is. I’m not even saying he probably is. I’m just saying he could be. Because anybody could be anything. I mean, no one can prove I’m not straight and that my husband and my boyfriend and all those enthusiastic blowjobs weren’t a long and expertly executed con. (Emphasis on the “expertly executed.”) Anything is possible. Lost a sub over my conversation with Mike Pesca about interacting/fucking with Trump supporters… This full conversation on the Magnum made me want to unsubscribe, but I could only “disable auto-renew.” Dan, you said your father voted for Trump three times! Why do you choose not to infer other things about him? Because you are related? Trump is unapologetically anti-LGBT. @pescagist how are we supposed to have “comity” with people that do not treat us with mutual respect? I solidly came down on the side of not fucking Trump supporters and — unlike Mike — I’m not interested in talking with Trump supporters to find common ground and said so. It’s fair to say I feel about Trump supporters now the way lesbian separatists felt about men back in the ’70s: “Don’t breed them, don’t feed them.” Personally, I wouldn’t be friends with someone — I wouldn’t have someone in my house — who voted for Trump. So, no more cocktails on the veranda with Lindsey Graham. (In all seriousness, I was shocked to learn — via social media —  about a friend who voted for Trump; our friendship is over.) But I have made an exception for my father despite his vote for Trump. (And his votes for Romney, McCain, George W. Bush, Bob Dole, George H.W. Bush, and Ronald Reagan.) My dad’s claim to love me and my family does not square easily with his willingness to vote for people who would like to see me and other men like me dead, which is why I’ve given up — not on my relationship with my father, but on attempting to square that shit. (Scott assumes I haven’t confronted my father — my ailing, frail, 84-year-old father — but I have, again and again.) Unlike some Trump supporters, my father doesn’t feel the need to talk politics 24/7, nor does he feel the need to antagonize his four adult children, none of whom voted for Trump. I’ve made peace with my father and the limited amount of contact we have. ‘ Says Jane… I’m the No Trumpers lady. A couple things. Dan’s theory that I was looking for permission to look the other way made me throw up a little in my mouth. And definitely not eroticizing the transgression of doing so! Mike Pesca was pretty close on the read. I find angry aggressive leftists who use a whole paragraph to tell Trumpers to fuck off a turn off, even though I agree with them. So I was looking for a way to find my people who aren’t bringing their anger to ME while also being clear that I want to suss out conservatives. Sorry about that, Jane! Making you throw up in your mouth a little — or at all — wasn’t my intent. And if anyone has advice for Jane on how to suss out conservatives without attracting the attention of aggro leftists, drop it in the comments! (FOR THE RECORD: leftists have plenty to be aggravated about right now and our leaders are not being nearly aggro enough.) ‘ Says NoCuteName… About the non-binary person who allows the rulers of the sex club they like to go to think of them as female, had a very specific question: how to tell the cis men they hook up with at the club to not use gendered language while having sex. To which I say, good luck. It’s not that the request isn’t reasonable; it totally is. And it should be as easy as saying just that before getting started “please don’t use gendered language — don’t call me girl or mama — while we’re fucking” (you don’t even need to disclose that you are non binary, if you don’t want; it could be simply that you don’t like that kind of dirty talk during sex). But the problem is that many people don’t seem to be able to help, much less police, themselves in the heat of passion. I fucked a boy who asked to be called names during sex — the dirtiest and most degrading names I could come up with — with one exception: he didn’t want to be called “the f-slur.” I tried, I failed, I apologized. Says Dave… Agree 100% that Valentines Day is stupid. For the last 39 years we’ve celebrated the REAL holiday, it’s HALF PRICE CHOCOLATE EVE!!! I gave an interview to Sharp Magazine about just how dumb I think Valentine’s Day is… but I do appreciate getting deals on chocolates and I’m going to think of Valentine’s Day as Half Price Chocolate Eve from here on out! Thanks, Dave! ‘ Okay, that’s it for this Struggle Session!