Low and Slow

... been fun, especially because I love daddies, and some wonderful older men have been my guides to this brave new world of rubber and slings. However, a few have ghosted me because I end up texting too much due to the fact that I’m worried they’re losing interest. I’m realizing this is a red flag to others. I’m needy but it’s rooted in the fact that this is all new to me AND since I feel late to the party, I need to move things along quickly to make up for lost time. How do I parent myself through this situation and stop pushing Daddies away with my neediness? Boy Losing Opportunities With Incessant Texting If you’ve gotten unambiguous “you’re too intense/you’re too much/you’re too needy” feedback from multiple guys — verbal and/or non-verbal — you should be able to correct course. I mean, you may have just come out, BLOWIT, but you’re a grown-ass man and a grown-ass man can resolve to do things differently. So, how about you identify a friend whose phone you can blow up with messages about your latest sexual adventure? Then after blowing up your friend’s phone for 24 hours, you can send a single thank-you text to the nice guy who set up his sling for you and let him know you’d love to take another ride. Playing it cool is not to be confused with playing games. People who play games lie about their interest or their availability in order get things they want from people who wouldn’t give them those things — their time, their attention, their holes — if they knew the truth. When you play it cool, you’re being honest about your feelings (“I had so much fun and would love to meet up again”) but you’re being thoughtful, considerate, and strategic about when and how you express them. And if you wind up regularly getting with a guy that you played it cool with at first, BLOWIT, then you can tell him you were so excited after your first session you sent 300 giddy text messages about him to your best friend. He won’t just be flattered that you felt that way about him — and relieved you didn’t blow up his phone —but even more attracted to you than he was already, BLOWIT, because the ability to self-regulate is something people look for in partners, both play and life. How does one navigate unrequited crushes while in a monogamish marriage? My wife has been crushing on someone that has proven to be a mess and is practically unavailable. They have an attraction for one another and have exchanged some flirts and kisses, but this person doesn’t have the time or energy for her that she hoped she would. I’ve stayed out of it because it hasn’t caused any issues for us as a couple. However, at this point it’s the same song and dance without any change of perspective on my wife’s part. How can I support her so she can move on? We go out fairly often to find different cute lesbos. She’s still hung up on this hot mess who, to me, isn’t worth the effort beyond a purely platonic friendship. Always appreciate your advice. Hoping On This Mess Exiting Sometime Soon Married poly people — or poly people with primary and/or nesting partners — are often asked how it feels to watch our spouses go through the NRE (“new relationship energy”) stage of a new relationship. (Some of us feel fine about it, others are threatened by it; some of us wanna hear every detail, some of us wanna be on a need-to-know basis.) But we’re rarely asked what it’s like to watch our partners suffer through an unrequited crush, a shitty first date, a disappointing or disqualifying first sexual experience with someone new, etc. Short answer: it sucks — watching someone you love suffer always sucks — and figuring out how to help (or whether you’re the right person to help) isn’t always easy. Sometimes the spouse just wants you to listen, sometimes the spouse wants you to weigh in. So, HOTMESS, if you have the kind of relationship where you’re welcome to weigh in on your wife’s other relationships — if you generally talk about the other people you’re pursuing or doing — you could gently point out the mess your wife is currently too blinded by lust to see. But if you typically don’t discuss other partners or prospects, you would be well advised to keep your mouth shut. If your wife’s crush was negatively impacting you and/or your marriage in some tangible way, HOTMESS, I would urge you to speak up. But it’s not — you said it wasn’t — so you shouldn’t. Love makes fools of us all, as they say, and right now it’s your wife’s turn to play the fool. When she comes to her senses, HOTMESS, you can be there for her with a pint of ice cream and some enthusiastic oral. (Always does the trick for my husband.) You can gently point out the signs she missed, if she wants to talk about it, and make her promise to be just as patient when it’s your turn to play the fool. Quite a few years ago I was tricked into participating in a threesome with my ex and his friend when I was high. I brushed it off as a bad experience and did nothing about it. I’m starting to hear that it was an act of conquistadorial machismo since I’ve moved back home. It was suggested that the boys planned the event to use the interaction as blackmail or gossip material. Should I report this to the police? I’m starting to fear the gossip might turn violent. Looking for advice!  Tricked Into Threesome If you have reason to fear for your safety or if your ex has threatened to blackmail you, TIT, you should be speaking to the police right now and not sending emails to sex-advice monkeys. But if what you’re dealing with is lingering (but totally valid) anger over being talked into doing something dirty while high (but not incapacitated), along with hearsay about gossip (not a crime) and blackmail (a crime if attempted)… then no, the police are not gonna swoop in and arrest your shitty ex and his equally shitty friend. Unless and until something actually happens, you’ll have to go back to brushing this off.  I recently ended an affair with someone younger than me. We work in the same industry and were in the process of changing our relationship to only being professional and friends. After speaking with her confidants, she let me know that I groomed her during our relationship. Beyond sex, there was a transactional exchange (of a sexual nature), since we live in different states. I am a bit confused since she’s 30 and I am 45 and I presumed a 30-year-old woman had agency. I always encouraged her to reach out to her friends and never tried to isolate her. Is it possible that a 45-year-old adult was grooming a 30-year-old adult? I am gutted, I’ve always tried to follow your campsite rule. Other than being shitty for having an affair, this all makes me feel terrible since despite me helping her with her career, she feels worse now than when I met her. Gloomily Ruminating Over One Mostly Elicit Relationship Some men convince themselves they’re doing good things when they’re actually doing deeply shitty things. Other men, aware they’re doing deeply shitty things, will toss in a good deed or two to compensate or cover for the deeply shitty things they know they’re doing. And #NotJustMen: we all — men, women, enbies, all of us — have the capacity to construct the kind of self-serving rationalizations that help us sleep at night. Now, since I don’t have the security footage — and since I can’t subpoena you both and take your depositions under oath — I can’t say whether you were being any shittier than the average person having an affair. (Even when justified, all affairs involve some shitty behavior.) Likewise, I don’t know if you were honoring the campsite rule or just going through the motions. And I don’t know whether your offer of professional support turned what was already transitory and transactional into something exploitative. Did your affair partner feel that way all along? Or is she reassessing things now that it’s over and revising your history together to paint you — with the encouragement of her confidants — in the worst possible light? I don’t know and I can’t tell you. But I know and can tell you this: You didn’t groom anybody. When we’re talking about sex — not hair care or ski hills — grooming has a very specific meaning. It’s not a 45-year-old adult having consensual-if-ill-advised-and-regrettable sex with a consenting 30-year-old adult. Grooming is when an adult insinuates himself into a child’s life, gains the trust of that child’s caregivers, and then sexually abuses that child. Whatever else you’re guilty of, GROOMER, you are not guilty of that. Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to [email protected]! Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan! Podcasts, columns, merch and more at Savage.Love! P.S. My dirty little film festival, HUMP!, is Celebrating it’s 20th Anniversary this year! HUMP! 2025 kicks off in Seattle, Portland, & SF on Valentines Day weekend! Get tickets at humpfilmfest.com