STRUGGLE SESSION: Pride Is (Still) Queer & Size Matters

... my opinion, then we un-pause and listen to yours. In 99% of cases we are in lock step, and I envision myself as the ‘Mandy’ Richter to your Conan O’Brien. (I’d have gone with McMahon & Carson, but couldn’t think of a cute Ed rhyming name.) That said, today we heard your conversation about pride-goers — who should and shouldn’t go. I was quite disappointed to hear your opinion that Pride is for straight allies, but only as long as they don’t display any expression of their kink. “Keep that stuff behind closed doors — we don’t wanna see it here,” seems a very incongruous attitude at a Pride event. As a CD, in my interactions with the neighboring TG community, we see a few TG people who deride the CD community as being somehow lesser — we call them “trannier than thou.” When I encounter them, my response is always to ask how it is they want to plead their case for inclusion and acceptance, while pointing at another group and saying, “but not for you people.” This is tantamount to what your position in your most recent podcast seems to be. That Pride is only for LGBTQ people. If straight people want to be included, well, okaaaaay, but let’s go over the ground rules of how you can and cannot present yourselves. To me, Pride is about a single thing: inclusion. No matter who you are, no matter what your preferences, you’re encouraged to express them! Furthermore, strictly from a strategic standpoint, by including straight kinksters, you’re growing your list of allies. The more people you get on board, the bigger your voice. I understand your note about how Pride started, but things change and evolve — in fact, they must! The LGB umbrella was expanded over time when it was recognized that the T and Q groups were suffering the same fate as the OG gays and lesbians. “That’s our tribe, too!” In closing, I’d simply suggest that you ask yourself, “What do I think the purpose of Pride is?” If it’s strictly a celebration of LGBTQ-ness and straight people are merely allowed to cheer from the sidelines, then I suppose you’ve got it right. However, if the real point of Pride is about being proud of who you are and being able to express that without judgement, then I’m afraid you’ve got this one wrong. Regards, M. You may be straight (or mostly straight), M, but your partner is bisexual and your gender expression is expansive, as the kids say, or non-normative, as the sex researchers say — so not only are you in a queer relationship, M, but you’re arguably queer yourself. So, you’re welcome at Pride! And you’re welcome to bring your whole self to Pride because you’re queer and Pride is for queer people and people who can reasonably round themselves up to queer. (Rounding up, rounding down — that’s not an insult. There are lots of Kinsey 5s out there rounding themselves up to gay, lots of Kinsey 2s rounding themselves down to straight, etc.) ‘ And our straight allies are welcome at Pride too — but true allies recognize that Pride isn’t about them and don’t try to center themselves or tell queer people what the point of Pride actually is. ‘ To be clear: My tongue-in-cheek (for the most part) message at the top of this week’s show wasn’t, “Keep kinks behind closed doors!,” or, “Some people don’t belong at Pride!” I took a moment in my intro to second the message Pup Amp shared at the top of his podcast last week: the only people who don’t belong at Pride are the people telling other people they don’t belong at pride. I’m not being a hypocrite: I didn’t tell kinky straight people to stay away from Pride — I didn’t tell anyone to stay away from Pride — I only asked kinky straight people to come in their civvies. Not because kink doesn’t belong at Pride (it fucking does), but because the presence of so many straight kinksters at Pride — some of whom, to be frank, have been treating Pride as an opportunity to get their kink on in public — distorts perceptions about the prevalence of kink in the queer community. We want kink represented at Pride, yes, but we don’t want it overrepresented — and I say this as a kinkster myself! (My husband and I haven’t been going to IML and Folsom all these years for the food.) ‘ Pride is for LGBTQ people and our allies — if every straight person was an ally, then Pride would actually be for everyone and maybe Pride could “evolve” away from being “a celebration of LGBTQ-ness” and become a general celebration of the diversity of human sexual expression-ness. But every straight person isn’t an ally, M, and the queer community is under unprecedented attack right now all over the world. Which is why we need still need Pride. And if Pride is going to change — if it’s going to evolve — it needs to get back to what it originally was: a demonstration, a protest, and sometimes a riot for the rights of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and trans people. Full stop. We want — we need — straight people to demonstrate their support for their queer friends, family members, neighbors, and coworkers at Pride. (And not just at Pride.) What we don’t need are straight people showing up at Pride to make it all about themselves. And we’re not going to put up with straight people — and I don’t mean you, M, because you’re queer — demanding that Pride be de-queered for their comfort. ‘ Okay! Here’s a question submitted by a reader that I’m not gonna be able to run in the column… I’m a straight cis male (36) with a GF (also 36) of just over three years and a buddy (38) who I regularly masturbate with. My girlfriend knew about him before we got together, so that’s not the issue. The issue is my buddy. We don’t always stroke when we’re together, but occasionally we’ll have some beers, put some porn on, and stroke one out. Recently he’s started commenting on his dick size — specifically that he’s small and he thinks that’s why he’s ‘still single. He’s progressed to mentioning my dick size and how I’m bigger and that’s why I have a girlfriend. I’m not exactly porn star material and my buddy’s dick is just fine, which I’ve told him, but it never lands. It’s starting to make me uncomfortable and sort of ruining our stroke time together. How do I sensitively set a boundary with him, letting him know that he needs to stop? And also, how do I help my buddy out with his size anxiety? Of course there are women who prefer bigger dicks but there are plenty who don’t care that much and it’s not like he’s micro. What do I say to him to make him understand that his size anxiety is the problem, not his dick? How do I help him overcome it? The Size Of Things Anyone else thinking what I’m thinking? Spill in the comments!