Situation Critical

...n her life had “performance issues” with her. Sometimes when I couldn’t get hard — mostly because images of her exes were playing in my head — she would have a literal panic attack. And then there was this double standard: She would go on and on about how big this ex’s cock was and how amazing sex with this other ex was, but she didn’t want to hear about any of my past sexual encounters. I told her all of this made me feel bad about myself, but she felt that since we weren’t a “real” couple she didn’t have to take my feelings into consideration. Every one of her stories was about she betrayed her exes and messed up these monogamous relationships but somehow she was the victim. I finally told her that I didn’t want to hear another word about her past. She didn’t like that and expected me to apologize for what I had said, but I never did. After that, I left her. Do you think I did the right thing? Am I an asshole for leaving her? Unpleasant Situationship Ends Disastrously You’re not an asshole for leaving, USED, but staying as long as you did — well, I don’t wanna call you an idiot for staying as long as you did (as you’re a reader), but staying with this woman for more than five minutes was an idiotic thing to do. She bragged about betraying her exes and lying to their faces for fun. She compared you to her exes (unfavorably!) during sex (!!!) and then had a meltdown when you couldn’t stay hard while she insulted you. She claimed she didn’t owe you consideration or even kindness because you weren’t a “real” couple. (Decent people are kind to their one-night stands.) That’s not the behavior of someone who’s had some bad experiences with previous partners and needs a little extra care and consideration from their current partner. That’s the behavior of an emotionally abusive asshole in victim drag. Now, usually when someone sticks around despite their partner being awful, USED, it’s because the sex is amazing or they did something stupid that makes walking away impossibly hard — they married the awful person and/or scrambled their DNA together. But in your case, USED, the sex was lousy, she was lousier, and you weren’t married and didn’t have kids. This woman wasn’t even your girlfriend! So, the question you should be asking yourself isn’t, “Am I the asshole for leaving,” but rather, “Why did I put up with this shit for so long?” You’re gonna need to figure out the answer to that question before you get with/on/in someone else — and promise me you’ll grab your pants and run the next time someone puts down your dick while you’re trying to use it. (Some men like that sort of thing, DOM, but you’re not one of them.) Again, you did the right thing by leaving. Now you need to do the hard thing: learn from this experience. Playing games is not romance and traumatic past experiences (real or imaginary) are not Get-Out-of-Human-Decency-Free cards. And if someone you’re fucking has only shitty things to say about their exes — if someone is the common denominator in a whole bunch of shitty relationships — then the person you’re fucking is almost certainly the shitty one. I’m hoping you can put me in a better headspace about external pressure on my relationship. I’ve got a fantastic partner; we are sharing a life together and we are very happy. The challenge I face is that we own a nightclub where we encounter loads of single people. There’s music, there’s alcohol, there’s dancing — it all sounds fun, I know. Shockingly, I am not worried that my partner has a wandering eye. He’s well known in our little island town and respected here by everyone. But on many occasions, some woman has openly flirted with him, touched him suggestively, looked at him seductively — or worse — right in front of me. He deflects these advances, and he always tells these women that he is mine. My issue is with my anger I have towards these women as I feel they are testing me. I’m doing my best to let it go, even though it still gets to me. I would like to not let my emotions make me their bitch but some of these girls are clearly testing me. What can I say in these situations that is both diplomatic and firm without creating friction? Peace Not Beast Are you sure these women are testing you? I mean, if the women who’ve hit on your boyfriend at the club are locals who know you’re together — and they know you’re exclusive — they may be testing you. But if these women are strangers or tourists, how are they supposed to know the hot guy serving them drinks has a girlfriend? If we’re talking locals, you shouldn’t worry about being polite or diplomatic — you have every right to blow up — but you don’t wanna drive off regular paying customers either, right? And the alcohol isn’t “there,” PNB. You’re selling alcohol and profiting from its sale. Since booze is known to lower people’s inhibitions in ways that can impact their judgment, some tolerance for small errors of judgment and other tolerable party fouls — and flirting with a hot-but-taken guy counts as both — are a cost of doing business. So, if we’re talking locals, I would advise you to stick to withering looks and let your boyfriend continue doing the shutting down. If they’re tourists… yeah, a tourist isn’t gonna know your boyfriend is taken; a tourist who makes a pass at your boyfriend is only guilty of shooting her shot. And as sex-and-relationship problems go, PNB, “all these fucking bitches wanna fuck my boyfriend” is a pretty good problem to have. (I know the feeling.) So long as your boyfriend can be trusted not to bang two tourist girls at a time in the walk-in beer cooler — and it sounds like he can be trusted not to do that — I think you should take the high road and the compliment. Laugh and tell the tourist your boyfriend is taken, offer her a shot and toast her great taste in men, and then point her in the direction of someone who is free to fuck the shit out of her in your beer cooler. I’m an elder millennial who’s been with a beautiful guy for fifteen years. We’ve been open for half of that, starting with DADT but then becoming more transparent very recently. We navigated a few tricky episodes where he suspected emotional infidelity on my part. In hindsight, I was acting out in frustration with the DADT setup. For what it’s worth, the pivot to transparency has done us good. I don’t think we’ve ever felt as confident or secure in our bond as we have in the last few months. My issue involves another guy: a very young millennial (late twenties) guy I met on Recon fairly early into the “Dom” journey I’ve been on for the last two years. (My husband is staunchly vanilla and enjoys teasing me about my new “hobbies.”) I’ve explored a laundry list of kinks with this boy. We have great sexual chemistry and we’re both pretty intellectually compatible. It’s fair to say I’m a little smitten with him — but it doesn’t feel like a romantic bon and I’ve never discouraged him from dating other men. Still, I ache a bit when it’s been too long since I’ve seen him last. This guy just accepted a job offer a few time zones away. I’d like to make the effort to see him once in a while after he moves. Dumping this news on my spouse could upend the amazing vibe we’ve recently established. But it feels like a conversation worth risking. But I feel like I should maybe reach out to the other guy first to see if he’s even interested in staying connected after he moves away. Which of these conversations should come first: the one with the other guy or the one with my husband? Deliberating Over Move You’re gay, you’re married and open, and you and your husband both see other people. It’s obviously easier for your vanilla husband to find other partners, DOM, as 1. most gay guys are vanilla and 2. most kinky guys also enjoy vanilla sex. But it’s harder for you: you not only have to find guys you’re into who are also into you, DOM, you have to find guys who share your kinks — and not just share them, but who are essentially the (sub) lids to your (Dom) pot. So, while the guys your husband hooks up with are easily replaced, the guys you hook up with are gonna be harder to come by, on, and in. If your husband knows you’re kinky (which he does) and wants you to safely explore your kinks with guys you can trust (which hopefully he does), he should be able to wrap his head around your desire to stay connected to particular subs that were good-to-great kink matches, even if it might mean a little travel. But seeing as you’re only a few months into your transparency era — you’re sharing everything (or almost everything) now  — I wouldn’t blame you for avoiding this convo for the time being. So, start by asking this boy if he wants to keep fucking with you after he moves away. If he’s not interested, you don’t need to have an awkward discussion with your husband about some hypothetical sub you might meet in the future. If this boy does wanna keep fucking with you, then you’re gonna need to talk with your husband about your upcoming travel plans. P.S. As a general note: It’s okay — it’s a good sign — when you actually like someone you’re hooking up with and/or playing with regularly, even if a more serious relationship isn’t in the cards. It’s not something you should have to feel bad about, DOM, and it’s hopefully something your husband appreciates about you or can come to appreciate about you. The fact that you don’t just use and discard boys is why you have a husband in the first place, right? Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to [email protected]! Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan! Podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love