STRUGGLE SESSION: Poly Parents and Conservative Kids

...athetic simp than she was by her husband cheating on her. Big, as they say, if true. Also, some hate for tolyamory from Vice, some misses-the-point-entirely commentary about tolyamory from a couples therapist, and some questions LGBTQ+ sex experts (but not this one) about whether tolyamory is good for the gays from Pride.com. Moving on… After reiterating in this week’s Savage Love that every adult — including partnered adults — is entitled to a zone of erotic autonomy, I stated that every kid is entitled to a zone of plausible deniability where the sex lives of their parents are concerned. Says Inspired Desires… I don’t think your kids’ zone of plausible deniability extends to the fact that their parents are dating or simply kissing a romantic partner. That your parent likes kinky sex? Definitely. Exactly when your parent is having sex? Sure, but sometimes it gets to be pretty obvious in small homes. The fact that your parent is [going on] romantic dates? That they have a boyfriend? That’s not exposing your child to sexual activity, and the only time people seem to think it is, is when talking about ENM and polyamory. While being told their mom and dad are open and/or poly shouldn’t be understood to violate a kid’s zone plausible deniability where the sex lives of their parents are concerned, it does prevent kids from pretending their parents don’t have sex with anyone… not even each other… which is the zone most kids wanna inhabit. So, most kids will perceive the news that mom and dad are open — if it comes as news to them — as info about mom and dad’s sexual activity. I re-upped my advice for MOMS in my response to MOMMA — it’s fine to be out to your kids about being ENM but don’t ask them to lie for you — but Red Blonde (cited here by Dutch Lady) said it better: “If you’re not out about it to family, friends, acquaintances, don’t drag your children into the closet with you.” And, hey, what she said: “Yes, polyamorous families can be healthy. Just like other families, the way having poly parents affects children depends in large part on how the adults conduct themselves in their relationships.” High-conflict, chaotic, messy relationships — monogamous or non-monogamous — aren’t great environments for kids. Sadly, people aren’t always the best judge of whether their relationships are chaotic and messy… with people in chaotic and messy relationships being the worst judges of all. LarryStone007 weighed in… I think the difference is that kids need to navigate a dominant culture and that’s hard enough as is. It’s not right that straight and mono is the assumption and we’re certainly seeing a lot of inroads into that in urban areas with LGBTQAI+ parents but ENM and polyamory are still pretty weird for a lot of people… I’m not saying you have to keep it a secret but it isn’t as black-and-white as, “I get to be whoever I am!” You do but you also have to acknowledge that it has an impact on your kid socially. Dutch Lady adds that kids go through a conservative phase, which is something anyone with kids knows. The reflexive conservatism of kids — their hopefully conservative phases — aren’t just about avoiding teasing and bullying. Kids are dependent on their parents for everything. As a consequence, anything that could be perceived as a threat to the stability of their parents’ relationship — if a child has two cohabitating parents — is likely to be experienced by a child as an existential threat. So, while MOMMA might tell her kids that she isn’t going to leave their father for her boyfriend, her children, without many (or any) examples of stable open/poly relationships in their lives, could wind up feeling anxious and insecure despite her reassurances. That said, kids with poly/open parents won’t see examples of other kids with open/poly parents until more open/poly parents come out…. which means some open/poly parents are going to have to go first. (And many have.) We’ve seen progress around gay parenting — we’ve seen wider acceptance of gay parents in urban and suburban areas — but that didn’t happen in a vacuum. Some gay couples had to be the first gay parents. I advised a caller on this week’s Lovecast to invest a little more time in her insecure boyfriend — who was so self-conscious about his weight that he refused to believe she could be attracted to him. Kiki disagreed… Your advice to fuck some sense into him would have been fine for the first eight months. But now, after eight months of not taking yes for an answer and continuing to use very strong language like “I look really bad and really stupid when I have sex with you,” this is beyond the girlfriend’s capacity to mend. I was in this exact situation with a partner for two and a half years. My partner disbelieved me NOT because he wanted to be vindicated (as you suggested might be going on here) – he disbelieved me because he suffered from insecurities that nothing I said or did could change. The only way he ended up working through those insecurities was in therapy, after the end of our relationship. Sometimes getting dumped is the wakeup call a person needs. Jacqueline had a suggestion for me… I think Dan should participate in the rest of Locktober, NoNut November, and Denial December! I’m going to prioritize not dying of prostate cancer and sit out Locktober, NoNut November, Denial December, Jerk-Free January, Fapless February, etc., etc. Quickly: Red Blonde had some excellent advice for the concerned guncle who called in this week… learned a new word (“fatmisia“) from UrsaHunter… can’t argue with MM‘s comment about the caller who was annoyed by men at sex parties thinking she was there for sex… Vennominon kicked off an interesting discussion about the term sides… and Jonathan (a top who’s loving the ratio) claims to have done it again (made a bottom cum hands-free (but not fist-free)) while I remain skeptical. Kell asks via email… Are you watching Boots? I am not. I watched the trailer with my boyfriend and he said, “Too much shouting, not enough fucking,” and now we’re rewatching all seven seasons of 30 Rock instead. (No fucking at all, but no shouting either.) One last thing before we get to this week’s letter: When I say, “If someone is with you for fifty years and only cheats on you once or twice, they were pretty good at monogamy,” on my own podcast — or post that statement to my own Instagram feed — it’s crickets. But when I say it on someone else’s podcast… all hell breaks loose. Okay, here’s this week’s letter that isn’t going to make the column for reasons that will be obvious in a moment… Help me, Dan. Cellulitis happens, many people have had it, but I happen to currently have it in an embarrassing spot: on my ass/backside, kind of in the curve right before my vaginal and anal openings. I saw an ER doc for this, because it was very painful, and I’m two days into a course of oral antibiotics and topical antibiotic lotion, but I have some questions I was too embarrassed to ask the ER doc. 1. Not that I’m in any mood to have sex right now, but could this spread to my partner if I do? 2. What is the danger of bacteria spreading to vaginal and anal openings when I wipe or compress (as has been recommended)? 3. I’m taking a probiotic so the antibiotics don’t upset my stomach/GI tract, but is there anything I should do to make sure these antibiotics don’t upset my vaginal tract/PH? 4. I suspect I got the bacteria on my rear because I was taking a course of metronidazole (via vaginal insert) for bacterial vaginosis, and one of the side effects of that medication is it can give you rash/hives. I think I scratched without thinking, the skin broke, and bacteria spread to backside. Infection feels far worse on backside than inside — sharp, stabbing pains that come on randomly on backside, versus an “off” feeling on inside — BUT even though I finished course of metronidazole, I’m not sure the bacterial infection was fully cured in there. Will the treatment for backside also treat inside? Should I try using remaining course of metronidazole while doing cephalexin (oral) and muprocin (topical), or wait to see how backside treatment goes? I should ask doctor these questions versus you, but wanted to start here. Thanks. Rashy Assy Seeking Help If there’s there a doctor in the house — if there’s a doctor reading this — please jump into the comment thread!