Full Spectrum

... an age where social media informs and often defines younger generations’ understanding and experience of themselves,” said Elana Himmelfarb, an autism spectrum consultant. “Sexuality is part of identity, and HDTRH’s son — like all young people — deserves an intentional, calm, fact-based and supportive approach to this new phase of his personal development.” So, the following advice goes out to anyone parenting a teenager, HDTRH, not just to parents of autistic teenagers. “The most important thing is creating a climate where there is shared language and a safety zone that allows for open discussions without shame or fear of judgment,” said Himmelfarb. “A calm approach, planned discussions, teachable moments, and checking in creates an atmosphere that enables teens to connect meaningfully as they navigate the waters of sexual identity, preference, choice, and safety.” To create the best possible climate for these kinds of conversations, a parent needs to take their own child’s personality into account. “Some teens respond well to humor, others to facts; some are brimming with questions, and others are deer in the headlights,” said Himmelfarb. “And before parents rush in with tons of information and questions, they need to let their child know — in a way that is sensitive to their child’s individual personality — that sexuality is a topic that it’s okay to discuss, that they won’t push or invade their child’s privacy, and that there’s no such thing as a dumb question.” Due to your son’s unique issues — he’s a young teen, he’s on the spectrum, and he’s seeking out niche materials — there is, of course, more on your plate and more for you to consider, HDTRH. “The role autism plays will depend on your child’s neurodevelopment,” said Himmelfarb. “Understanding how he regulates his attention and expresses himself is key. Can he identify and verbalize his emotions and thoughts? If there are other mental health issues — anxiety, panic, obsessive/compulsive behaviors, past trauma, etc. — those will need to be factored in to avoid overwhelming him and to keep dysregulation at bay.” As for those niche sexual materials he’s been seeking online… “Is there a self-regulation aspect to his seeking?” asked Himmelfarb. “Are sensory sensitivities and preferences at play?” Your son, like other teenagers, may intentionally be seeking out materials online that are strange or shocking — for the thrill of the shock, HDTRH, and not because the materials arouse him sexually. “It is also important to understand his level of self-advocacy,” said Himmelfarb. “Is he someone who is comfortable saying and accepting ‘no,’ setting boundaries, and pivoting if one’s mind changes? There will be significant work to be done if these areas are weak. And it helps to anchor abstract concepts like consent and accountability with scenarios and examples. Movie clips are great way to start those conversations. This scene from Swingers is  great — it talks about what not to do when asking a girl out — and while I’m not personally a fan of Love on the Spectrum, which can be problematic, watching it together can be a great way to open up a discussion.” On the Lovecast: a couple’s sex slave is getting a little too demanding; and Dan welcomes Imani Askew-Shabazz from PlanCPills.org to talk about abortion medication by mail. Have a listen to this week’s episode. Returning now to those niche sexual materials… “Understandably, HDTRH’s mind goes straight to the ‘niche’ themes and his son’s tendency to hyper-fixate,” said Himmelfarb. “But you don’t want to go straight for the problem areas until there is shared language and an established rapport.” Instead of bringing up exactly what you saw in his browser history, Himmelfarb recommends zooming out and having a conversation that will help you figure out what your son might already know. “He should ask his son to define — without looking them up — some key terms: sexual identity, sexual preference, fetish, consent, LGBTQ+, etc.,” said Himmelfarb. “Over time you can pivot to some of the areas of deeper concern — those ‘niche’ interests — so you can help him understand them, catch whether this is a misguided attempt  to meet a need that could be better met in a different way, or if there are safety concerns.” You’ve seen the porn your son is looking at, RHB, and we haven’t, which means you have a better sense of whether there are safety concerns. But it’s important to remember, as a parent, that there’s a big difference between “niche” sexual interests/obsessions that don’t make sense to us but are essentially harmless — like being sexually obsessed with Pokémon — and niche sexual interests or obsessions that are legitimately alarming. So, if your son is obsessed with images of women in rubber swim caps, HDTRH, you can probably relax; a series of conversations emphasizing the importance of boundaries and consent and acknowledging the existence of kink may be all he needs. But if your son obsessed with violent kinks and/or non-consensual scenarios, HDTRH, you’re gonna have to burst through the wall like the Kool-Aid man and speak bluntly about his kinks and the risk they might present — to himself and to others — if he were to act on them. Another concern often raised by parents who’ve stumbled over evidence that their kids aren’t gonna be vanilla when they grow up is a kink making it harder for their adult child to find partners. While it’s true that niche sexual interests can complicate a person’s search for a partner, not everyone with a kink needs or wants to act on it — some people only want to explore their kinks solo, some people only get to explore their kinks solo — while others wind up with GGG partners who don’t share their kinks but are happy to indulge them. And if there’s a large enough group of people who are into a given kink, a kinky kid often does — once that kinky kid is a kinky adult — wind up finding their partner and their tribe thanks to their kink. “I suggest taking a deep breath, acknowledging your own biases, managing your anxiety, and tamping down a sense of urgency as you step forward into this phase of your child’s identity and world-view formation,” said Himmelfarb. “Have fun with it, use appropriate humor, be sensitive to privacy and timing. Reflect on your own sexual development and sexual story. Talk to other parents. And remember there are lots of professionals to seek guidance and support from.” P.S. Himmelfarb sent along some suggested resources — places to start — for autistic teenagers and their parents: Wrong Planet is a web community for people with Autism and other neurological differences, their parents, and professionals who work with them; the Autistic Self Advocacy Network has an entire section of their website dedicated to sex education; and for kids with a million questions — for kids who hyper-fixate — Himmelfarb recommends Go Ask Alice!, a sex-and-health Q&A site with extensive archives. Elana Himmelfarb, MA LLC, is an autism spectrum specialist, a neurodiversity advocate, a career and educational consultant, and a sexuality educator. For more about her work — and to find more resources — go to www.elanahimmelfarb.com. I’m a married cis gay man living in the Midwest. I recently got a prescription from my doctor for Viagra. I’m a bottom who enjoys being fucked, but occasionally I lose my erection if my dick isn’t also getting enough stimulation. This never bothered me too much — bottoms in porn are often not fully erect — but it causes my husband to question whether I enjoy sex with him, and he worries he isn’t “doing it right.” This caused me stress during sex — worrying about maintaining my erection and kept me from enjoying the fingering/fucking that he was doing — but when I take Viagra, I’m able to relax and enjoy because I don’t have that anxiety in the back of my head. Do I have to tell my husband about the Viagra? Normally I wouldn’t keep medical information from him and generally he doesn’t like me keeping “secrets.” But I worry that if I tell him about the meds, it will ruin the illusion, and he’ll go back to questioning his performance and adequacy. Of course, there is the chance he’ll find out anyway if he finds the bottle and looks up what “sildenafil” is, but generally he doesn’t go through my things so that’s mostly unlikely. (Sildenafil is the generic version of the drug I’m using.) What would you do, Dan? Midwest Erection Disfunction Sufferer I would leave the bottle where my husband could find it. But if your husband rarely goes through your stuff and is therefore unlikely to find your boner pills — and if he’s equally unlikely to google “sildenafil” if he were to find your boner pills — you can keep this “secret” to yourself with a clear conscience. If your dick being soft (or going soft) when he’s fucking you makes your husband feel insecure for no good reason (because you enjoy being fucked!) and his insecurities are ruining PIB for both of you (anticipatory stress about staying hard doesn’t make getting or staying hard easier!), discreetly popping a Viagra is a nice thing to do. Think of it this way: You aren’t “keeping a secret,” MEDS, you’re doing a little behind-the-scenes prep that makes anal sex better for you both. You probably don’t announce to your husband when you’re douching — nor do you announce how many squats you did at the gym this week to keep your ass in fuckable shape — and in the same spirit, MEDS, you aren’t obligated to announce to your husband that you’re popping a boner pill. Sometimes sparing is caring. But you asked what I would do: If finding out I’d been taking boner pills would make my husband’s insecurities worse and if he was likely to find them and if the discovery would open up a new front in this conflict (“You lied to me with your dick!”), MEDS, I would hold on to the first bottle of pills. If I had a prescription for 40 pills, I would make sure the original bottle always had 38 pills in it. (They always give you more Viagra than you need, so when I got my prescription refilled, I would top up the original bottle with new pills, toss the new bottle, and keep the rest of my boner pills someplace my husband would never find them.) And then, MEDS, when my husband found the bottle — because I left it someplace he was sure to find it — I would point to the date of the original prescription on the bottle and then show him the bottle was still nearly full. “Yes, I took Viagra — but I only took two pills in the year since I got them, honey, and then I forgot they were even in here!” Just make sure your real stash — the pills you’re actually taking — are someplace your husband would never look. I’d put mine in the dishwasher. P.S. Or you could level with him: “Honey, I think the douching and squats and how quickly I put my ankles over your shoulder are — or should be — all evidence you need that I love it when you fuck me. And it’s not about my dick when you’re fucking me, honey, it’s about yours — but if you want me hard every time you fuck me, you could suspend your disbelief and pretend I didn’t take a boner pill just like you suspend your disbelief and pretend that’s an entry and not an exit.” Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to [email protected]! Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan! Become Dan’s Sub at savage.love/subscribe!