Struggle Session: Waiting On PIV, Getting Into Pegging, My Biphobic Garbage, An Update From a Caller, and More…

...there who would be relieved to not have to worry about penetration without having to have an awkward conversation about their issues. And if my experience is anything to go by, you have a good chance of finding someone who’s taken the time to develop lots of other skills. I love a hard dick but I’ve had some of the best sex of my life with guys with unreliable erections (just as long as they’re not too insecure about it.) I guess I’m double-dipping/posting here, since I shared/read Laura’s comment on the Lovecast last week. But I’m sharing it again here because I want to emphasize — again — that it’s not just guys with unreliable erections that shouldn’t be “too insecure” about it. People who sleep with guys unreliable erections also shouldn’t be “too insecure” about it. I get letters and calls all the time from people who are convinced their male partners aren’t really into them because they didn’t get hard one time had to pull out last time and stroke themselves for a second before sliding back in. Look, if someone is passionately kissing you, inhaling your junk, excited to use your favorite toys on and with you, is clearly into getting you off even when he can’t get off, etc., etc., he’s obviously attracted to you — even if his erection comes and goes during sex and/or fails to show up at all once in a while. Walid responds to my call… Dan, you asked for suggestions on what to call the sex you are having when you are planning to break up with someone but you have not told them yet, and not having sex would be a tell. You said it’s the opposite of “Maintenance sex.” I propose “rear-guard action.” It contains both “action” and “rear” in a punny kind of way, but the phrase as a whole has the metaphorical (i.e. non-military) intent of saying “stuff to do while retreating to minimize the damages from the retreat.” Love it, Walid! CMD had lots of good things to add to the pegging conversation in this week’s column, but I wanted to highlight this… Dan did a great job though I would like to add that some AFABs like using a strap-on and the joy can be shared by both mind and body. I didn’t mean to erase all those wonderful women out there who get off on pegging — my apologies! So, for the record: Not only do some women take pleasure in treating a male partner to this particular pleasure, some women enjoy the psychological turn-on that comes with flipping the heteronormative script, e.g., being the penetrator, not the penetrated; being active, not passive; being the fucker, not the fuckee. Also, there are toys designed for pegging that allow someone to penetrate and be penetrated simultaneously, as well as strap-on harnesses that have little pockets designed to hold a vibrator over a woman’s clit, creating “sensation for both the giver and receiver.” Whenever pegging comes up someone insists it’s all about the man’s pleasure — the expression you often hear is, “What’s in it for her?” — but that’s a very limited view. Someone could just as easily say, “What’s in cunnilingus for him?” (And it would be an equally idiotic thing to say.) Zoftig the Magnificent proves, once again, why they deserve that title… The caller who wants to delay penetrative sex in a sexual/romantic relationship needs some better language to sell it. I went to a conservative Christian college and lots of people were saving PIV but having what we jokingly referred to as “Christian sex” in addition to all the ambiguous activities (massages, napping together, etc.) that theoretically could be done platonically. It was actually a really great way to explore sexuality!! I came to PIV sex assuming that they’d be tons of foreplay and that I’d get off (ideally several times). The caller is absolutely on to something! Now, I would sell it as a form of edging. The first time you hold hands with someone, it can be erotic as hell. If all you’ve done is hold hands, the 10th time can be even more erotic. You can spend an hour holding hands and every second can be dripping in sex in a way it will never be again. NRE and sexual denial are such a potent combination. Why rush it? Jack commented on Facebook… It is always so wild to me when straight people see PIV as a foregone conclusion. Everybody else is able to request activities off the sexual menu a la carte, without preconceived notions of what the other party is going to want or need. And Jane, also on Facebook, shared her success story… When I first got together with my boyfriend a few months ago, I made it clear that I consider more than PIV to be sex. He was very open to that concept, and so we have a lot more variation in the bedroom, which I love. Maybe the caller just needs to be clear with future partners that sex is more than just PIV. Like I always say… define sex broadly and you’ll have more sex; define cheating narrowly and you’ll get cheated on less. A caller was wondering if or when he can — in good conscience — leave his depressed girlfriend who refuses to get off the couch and get help. Says Maria… Definitely leave. I’ve been that wife at a time in my life and he had to leave me because I was just drowning in self-pity and doubt. His sticking around gave me an excuse to not get better. Now I’m very responsible with my mental health and on top of it because I know what it can cost me. Says Vincent… No offense intended at all, Dan, but your response should have been, “Talk to a mental health professional. I lack the skill set to give you any kind of useful advice.” Period. We all have skill, we all have limitations. Louis has a great Valentine’s Day suggestion to file away for next year… I like to celebrate Valentine’s Day, but not ON Valentine’s Day. Everything is way less crowded and its easier to get a reservation if you’re going to dinner. Extra pro tip: if you’re not into sports, go to a romantic dinner on Super Bowl Sunday. It’s the second Sunday in February, so it’s near Valentine’s Day, and restaurants that don’t play the game (key to romance, imho) are completely empty! A suggestion for a term other than “childfree” and “childless” from NIN Girl Jane… In the childfree community, the terms “childfree” and “childless” are very different. As you said, Dan, the first is someone who is happily without children, while the second is someone unhappily without children. Perhaps a more neutral phrase could be “without children.” That way nothing is implied about how the person feels about that status. But again, I strongly urge everyone to keep “childfree” and “childless” as separate terms, as conflating them leads to lots of confusion in the dating world and beyond. Heather adds… The term you are looking for is “child free by choice.” There’s not a particularly complimentary other side that I’ve heard to that other than “childless” or “child-free after infertility.” Maybe a few times I’ve heard “child-free not by choice.” This email arrived… Stopped reading you many years ago because you were biphobic garbage. And judging from this week’s column, you still are. …five minutes before this email arrived: Thank you, thank you, thank you! I’ve been following you for two years and now I’m living my bisexuality with an explosive natural flow. Reading your columns helped me to get past my social construction and to finally see how much pure fun sex can be. I feel sexual attraction for a woman? Why not! I feel sexual attraction for a man? Why not! Go for it! You are my inner “Why not?” and I can’t explain how grateful I’m. So I will just say again: thank you, thank you, thank you! I’m finally a happy, emancipated bisexual person and proud to be thanks to you. I am bi and proud now and so grateful to you! Alright, to the unhappy bisexual non-reader of my garbage column: You stopped reading years ago because I’m biphobic… and the week you decide to check back in… is a week where I answered two questions from bisexual readers and one from a reader worried her partner might be bisexual and I basically told that reader to marry the guy she worries might be bisexual because bisexuals make great spouses… which was biphobic of me somehow? Okay, sure. And to the reader who is out and bi now and going places and doing people thanks to my biphobic garbage column: Thank you for the nice note! But in addition to being your inner “Why not?,” I hope I’m also your inner “Take it slow,” “Tell someone who you’re with and where you’re going,” “Always use protection,” and, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Another satisfied customer… Very much appreciate @fakedansavage using data in the plural (“these data”) as the grammar gods intended in this weeks pod. 👏🏽 #savagelovecast — Cynthia (@sndaygrl76) February 22, 2023 And finally… People ask all the time for followups from people who called into the Lovecast. I just got one, and it’s a long, and I’m going to post it here at the end of this week’s Struggle Session. This listener’s original question appeared at the end of a recent episode of Sex & Politics with Amanda Marcotte. The caller’s husband cheated on her and she didn’t know what to do. Should she stay? Should she go? Adding to her confusion: she and her husband have been having a lot more sex (and a lot better sex) since the affair. And while the caller was understandably angry about her husband cheating on her… she was also incredibly turned on by it. Here’s her update: Thank you for answering my call during your Sex & Politics with Amanda Marcotte. I am the caller whose husband pre-meditatively cheated during a trip abroad after being married for 27 years. In your discussion with Amanda about my call, several things were said that resonated. I had mentioned that we were considering an open marriage moving forward. Amanda wondered why I was hesitant about an open marriage. I thought about it and realized that I am not interested in sleeping with other people on my own. I am ok (and even turned on) by him having sex with other women but I don’t want either of us dating individually or developing a connection with someone else. Dan, you mentioned that since we had been having good sex, maybe I had answered my own question about what to do moving forward. You hit the nail on the head when you said maybe it bothered me that it took him cheating to fix us. It also bothers me that it turned me on. I have been struggling with intense jealousy because he spent a two-week holiday with this woman. He has answered all my questions, and I am learning the hard way that maybe I don’t need to hear all the details. He has no contact with her anymore but the betrayal still sneaks into my head and hurts. Each day gets a little better, we love each other intensely, we have rediscovered our passion for each other, and I am hoping that at some point my ego can let go of obsessive thoughts of what happened. Moving forward, I need some advice. I guess I need reassurance that it is okay to be turned on by the idea of him being with someone else. I know that the concept of your partner having sexual value can be a turn-on. I am a recovering Catholic, however, so it messes with my head. I also struggle with the logistics of how to move forward. I guess ideally we would like to have occasional threesomes with another woman without an emotional commitment. So, this sounds like it would call for an escort. I would want to be sure that we were not taking advantage of someone and that we would be as safe from STIs as possible. Maybe I would want to be there, maybe I wouldn’t. Maybe I would want to participate, or maybe I would want to watch. I feel shame at the idea of being a cuckold and am wondering if talking to a sex therapist would help me figure out my own sexual needs. I also don’t know how to find another woman for us to play with. Are there matchmakers for folks like us? Are there websites that could help us? We have given ourselves a few months to strengthen our relationship. After this, we will be trying to sort out how to find someone to play with. Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated. I would urge you to listen to the Venus Cuckoldress podcast — because nothing can help you get past your shame about having a certain kink and/or non-normative sexual desire and/or identity faster than hearing from people who share your kinks, non-normative desires, identities, etc., and aren’t ashamed anymore or were never ashamed. Also, it certainly couldn’t hurt to talk to a kink-positive sex therapist. And I would urge to keep talking to your husband — not just to process the affair and his betrayal, but also about possibilities for shared adventures going forward. Basically, I’m prescribing some dirty talk during sex. Spin out some scenarios where he’s fucking someone else and you’re there, some where you’re not there, some where you’re just watching, some where you participating. It’s just exploratory dirty talk, it’s not a promise. You don’t have to go through with something — with anything — just because you talked about it when you were horny and that talk turned you on. With cuckolding — and you’re a cuckquean, not a cuckold — it’s really important to take baby steps. So, don’t attempt to leap dirty talk about cuckolding to full cuckold play. Baby steps are important, and you’ll learn a lot about them listening to Venus. To find a kink-positive sex therapist, start at AASECT. To find escorts… well, I recommend following sex workers and advocates for the rights of sex workers on Twitter. Feeld is a good dating app for couples seeking adventures with single people or other couples. And if you don’t want to risk an emotional entanglement, a sex worker is a great and obvious option. Another option is a woman who’s married to a cuckold. You might be able to find one here. As for overcoming the Catholic guilt… if I could do it as a very Catholic teenager with very Catholic parents on the very Catholic north side of Chicago in the 1980s (without Internet access or podcasts or any decent sex-advice columns), you can do it now. There’s a whole chapter about what sex is really for  — spoiler alert: it’s not only or even mostly for reproduction — in my last book that you may find helpful. (You can order a copy here.) Good luck!