STRUGGLE SESSION: Lies and the Lying Lovers Who Tell Them, Straight Men Who Wanna Hook Up With Trans Men, Former GOP Flacks Who Came Around and More!

...stion Pentatonic put to the group after we moved on to other comment threads… Take this scenario: You’ve been married for ten years. Twelve years ago, during a low point in the relationship, you cheated on the person who became your spouse. It was a one time mistake which you regretted. You then repaired the relationship, got married, had kids, and have never so much as thought about cheating again. Now, after listening to a podcast that mentioned cheating, your spouse says, “I think cheating is unforgivable. I just don’t think you can come back from that.” Your spouse then turns to you and asks, “Have you ever cheated on me?” How do you answer? Do you tell the truth? Or do you lie? I’m curious how people — especially the “I cannot tell a lie!” kids — would answer Pentatonic’s question. Yeah, yeah: you wouldn’t have cheated in the first place. But let’s say you had and your spouse asked you that question a dozen years later. Do you tell the truth and destroy your marriage? Or do you lie your face off and save your marriage? (I do wanna re-up this comment of mine from the Ken K discussion: Guys who won’t shut up about how they would never tell a lie sound — at least to me — an awful lot like guys who won’t shut up about how they would never suck a dick. The more they go on about how they wouldn’t, the more convinced I become they just did.) A lot of people agreed with BiDanFan, who argued that I was a little too harsh about (not to!) someone who had (or claimed to have had) a mental health crisis… I agree with Dan’s advice to let this friendship die a natural death, but neither Caller nor Dan was terribly sympathetic to this poor woman with mental health issues. Surely, it’s not Caller’s responsibility to be her therapist, but her “what about MY needs” attitude, plus Dan’s suggestion that [the caller’s friend] was faking for attention — which, yes, happens, but I think this third party who couldn’t speak for herself deserves some benefit of the doubt — felt really unkind to me. Surely the same advice could have been given without siding with the caller. Xarxar and NoCuteName also took me to task over this response. In my defense, I didn’t categorically state that the caller’s friend was faking a mental health crisis, I only suggested it was a possibility, which BDF herself concedes. But I’m gonna take my lumps: the commenters were right about this one, I was wrong. (Also, people in my line of work sometimes take the caller’s side reflexively — it’s an occupational hazard — and it’s good to be reminded to guard against that impulse. So. thank you for the reminder, BDF!) Delta35 thinks I got the science of gaydar (and evolutionary biology) wrong in the intro to this week’s show. I’m only kindasorta willing to concede this one, since I was reaching for a joke about Arizona State Representative Nick Kupper (Quelle-Surprise) and not writing a systematic review of the  scientific literature. But Delta35, Andrew, Inspired Desires and others made interesting points! Superstar commenter My Cat Is Cool had to brace himself before listening to this week’s show… Oh, boy. I had to mentally prepare myself for this one after reading the summary. It gives me the ick so bad to hear about straight guys pursuing trans guys just because we have pussy. I truly cannot think of a faster way to demonstrate that you have zero understanding or empathy towards trans individuals. One gripe [with your response], Dan: you said there are people out there who have boobs and vulvas and present femininely but identify as trans men. It makes me wonder… are there really though? Have they called into the show? Are they listeners? Maybe I really am off the mark here, but my bullshit detector is firing off on that one. Trans men who have boobs and vulvas and aren’t taking testosterone have called in. I remember one caller in particular — a gay trans man who was annoyed that gay cis men didn’t see him for the man he was (because boobs and a vulva) — but I can’t find the show it was on. (One day we’ll get around to creating a cross-referenced index for the show. In the meantime: Does that ring a bell for anyone?) I also received — but didn’t wind up using — a letter at the column from a gay man whose AMAB partner came out as a trans woman, didn’t medically or physically transition in any way, and was very annoyed — at the LW and others — for not seeing her as a woman she was. KindnessIsKey backs me up on this… Just FYI, I have seen lots of such trans men on social media. They often want to do more (present masc, start T, etc), but can’t do so safely because for a variety of reasons. Or they don’t experience significant dysphoria, so externally transitioning isn’t worth it to them. …and BiDanFan — who wouldn’t lie to us — personally knows some trans men who haven’t physically transitioned; some can’t, some don’t wanna. Now, I very much agree with MyCatIsCool: straight cis men looking for pussy shouldn’t approach trans men on the apps; it’s disrespectful and insensitive. As I said in my response to OUTS a couple of weeks back: “it’s not okay [for straight cis men] to fetishize the bodies of trans women or mentally disassemble the bodies of trans men.” But I also think — I know from speaking with so many people over the years — that it’s possible for someone to fetishize us for certain parts of our bodies/identities while still seeing us as fully human. Seeing someone as an object and a human being (with feelings and needs and agency) isn’t exactly holding two conflicting ideas in the mind at the same time, as human beings — in addition to being human beings — are also objects. But since almost all trans men would probably feel the way MyCatIsCool about being approached by a straight man on Grindr, I think straight men on Grindr should identify themselves as straight and let trans men — if they so choose (agency!) — come to them. Which some might, as JoJoAction420 argued in a comment about the same caller… To the straight man considering chatting up trans guys for sex: I don’t think you’re an asshole. An asshole wouldn’t ask themselves the questions you asked yourself. Like Dan says, it is a tricky situation. On the one hand, getting attention from straight men is potentially triggering for trans men. On the other hand, most gay cis men don’t know how to handle a pussy, figuratively and literally, which is why trans men often end up hooking up with straight men despite not feeling too great about it. So, if you’re looking for your unicorn, try to be their unicorn as well: the straight dude who treats him like the man they are AND fucks their pussy spectacularly. Chicago Charlie on BlueSky isn’t happy about me having the Bulwark’s Tim Miller back on Sex and Politics: It’s so fun when @dansavage.bsky.social showcases people who fought against my rights for years. It’s so cool to listen to them joke about how funny it is that they are actively evil. But they’re GAY! So it’s okay!!! It’s fucking pathetic, Dan. While Tim Miller was never antigay, for years Tim carried water for politicians who were, something I gave him endless streams of shit about at the time. Tim explained how he rationalized his actions when he was a GOP flack — and why his rationalizations were bullshit — in his bestselling memoir, Why We Did It: A Travelogue From the Republican Road to Hell. But even if you thought Tim doing evil shit back then (and I did), it’s ridiculous to describe Tim as evil in the present tense. Tim is one of the most effective anti-Trump voices in the media (if not the most effective), as Charlotte Klein argued in a big piece about The Bulwark in New York Magazine today, and his involvement in Republican politics at the highest level is a big part of what makes him so effective. He has receipts! He kept notes! He took names! He’s kicking ass! I believe in pounding on people when they’re doing harm, Chicago Charlie, and working to strip our community (or other communities) of their rights certainly counts as harm. But when someone stops doing harm — when someone admits they were wrong and holds themselves accountable the way Tim has — continuing to pound on them is not just wasted energy (go pound someone currently doing harm!), it’s political malpractice. If we want people to come around on our issues, we need to embrace people who have come around on our issues. Continuing to pound on people up who came over to our side doesn’t make our side more appealing to people who haven’t come over to our side yet. (I could go on… but I’ll just link to something I wrote about Hillary Clinton and gay marriage in 2016 instead.) Also, if I refused to have people on my show because they didn’t always have perfect opinions, CC, I couldn’t be on my show. And finally Andrew wrote in to say… Canadian here, Dan. Long time listener, live in Canada, married to an American. Just wanted to say a quick thanks for the shout out [on this week’s show] and order of BC wine. Rough few days there, and more in store, I’m sure. I almost knew in the back of my head that listening to your show you’d say something that made it feel a bit better, and you did. Lotta hurt and upset people up here — we just gotta remember there’s a lot of the same down there. We’re thinkin’ of ya too. Thank you, Andrew, and please know that every thinking person in America loathes Donald Trump — unfortunately, thinking Americans don’t constitute the majority of Americans, at least not right now, so it’s going to be a shit show down here for a while. Alright, that’s Struggle Session for this week!