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Savage Love Archives for 2000

Head Help

I just read your response to New to This in Canada, the girl who can’t get into giving blowjobs. How dare you say that “most people don’t enjoy giving blowjobs,” Dan?!? Most people I know love giving blowjobs, myself included, and here are some pointers for NTTIC culled from my years of experience: 1. You … Read More »

Funky Undies

I’ve been having the best time sending sleazy e-mails to a man I met through the personals. He lives three time zones away. He recently requested that I send him a pair of my well-worn panties. I said no, because I couldn’t stand the thought of him sniffing my dirty, crusty, skanky underwear. Well, I’m … Read More »

Back Rub Blues

Recently, one of my friends was giving a girl a friendly back rub when she took off her top and bra, and let him continue. Then she informed him that she didn’t want to have sex with him. He told her he was going to go hang out with the guys. When he told us … Read More »

Farts, Jesus, and Fashion Advice

Whenever I am with someone new and we are in bed, all the twisting and fooling around creates all this gas in my stomach. Yet, being a gentleman, I have to hold it in–and the pressure keeps building and building. If I try to do controlled releases, it just comes out even noisier. And with … Read More »

Who’s the Asshole?

HEY, EVERYBODY: A few months back, I departed from the usual advice-column Q&A, and, taking full advantage of e-mail technology, experimented with a new, genre-busting format: Question & Response & Response. The experiment was a success, and many of you wrote in to suggest that I switch Savage Love over to Q&R&R for good. I … Read More »

Family Matters

I am a 35-year-old, Asian, straight man. My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for over a year, and recently I told her that I watch porn videos with my younger brother. She is okay with the fact that I watch porn, but thinks it’s strange that I watch it with my brother. … Read More »

Straight Boys

I am a 21-year-old male, straight, and a virgin. I’ve been waiting to find the right woman, and she’s obviously somewhat reclusive. I have been propositioned by quite a few homosexuals, and while I’ve never been attracted to men, I do find the attention flattering. Anyhow, I’m starting to think that maybe I am gay … Read More »

Rise and Shine!

I’m a girl who wants to wake up my guy with a blowjob. But I am hesitant because I was molested in my sleep a few years ago by someone I was not involved with or interested in, and it really disturbed me. I don’t want to deny my guy a wake-up blowjob he might … Read More »

Spunk Trouble

I have a health question that I am uncomfortable discussing with my family doctor. I am gay, 22 years old, and have only been sexually active for about two years. Whenever I have an orgasm, my semen is a creamy, off-yellow color. Guys I’ve been with thus far all seem to shoot milky white; in … Read More »

Cheaters’ Bill of Rights

I’d like to comment on WBS, the married man whose wife backed out on her promise to have a threesome with him in exchange for his agreement to have kids. First of all, Dan, I sincerely hope that you were joking when you told WBS he had a “right” and a “responsibility” to cheat on … Read More »

Nader-Baiting

Why am I voting for Ralph Nader? It’s the issues, man! Nader stands for several things that neither Bush nor Gore stand for: · A real commitment to campaign finance reform · Ending the drug war · Ending the death penalty · The right to choose · Ending the rule of corporations in our culture … Read More »

Three’s Company

I’m male, primarily hetero, and my wife and I are in our early 40s. We’ve been married for six years, have two great kids, a nice house, and life is good, except… for a couple of decades I’ve wanted to have a threesome with two women. (In college I did several guy-guy-girl three-ways, and it … Read More »

Make Me Ralph

I am really confused about this guy I like. I had a bunch of people over one night and he came. We were lying on my bed, his arms wrapped around me, just talking. He really wanted me to give him oral sex. I really wanted to, but my door doesn’t lock and my mom … Read More »

2-gether 4-ever

My girlfriend and I have been living together for two years now, and it seems as though lesbian bed death is setting in. Pretending everything is fine isn’t working. Being romantic, going out to dinner, and wooing her isn’t working. Being frustrated and bringing this up as an issue ends with her asking, essentially, “Isn’t … Read More »

SM 101

HEY, EVERYBODY: I’m on a little vacation, so this week I’m running a “greatest hit” from the Savage Love archives…. I’m not sexually experienced, but I am totally in love with my new man and I want to drive him wild with desire. I want to blindfold him and tie his hands, maybe even handcuff … Read More »

Sleazy Gay Meetings

Welcome to the fourth and final part of Savage Love’s very special How Sleaze Is Lived in America series: Sleazy Anonymous Gay Meetings. This week we hear from gay men who met their true loves in bathhouses, in porn store video booths, at jerk-off parties, and in toilets at late, great Penn Station. But before … Read More »

Meeting Kinky

Welcome to Part Three of Savage Love’s soon-to-be-award-winning series, How Sleaze Is Lived in America. (I would like to thank the Pulitzer Prize committee in advance for their consideration.) In this week’s installment, Kinked-Out Sleazy Meetings, we’ll hear from kinky people who met their kinky true loves doing, uh, kinky things. As any normal person … Read More »

Druggy Love

Welcome to Part Two of How Sleaze Is Lived in America, a four-part series. In last week’s installment, we heard from men and women who met their true loves while shit-faced drunk. This week’s installment, Drug-Induced Sleazy Meetings, features men and women who met their true loves while strung out on Ecstasy, LSD, ‘shrooms, crack, … Read More »

Sleazy Meetings

Welcome to the first installment of How Sleaze Is Lived in America, a four-part series inspired by my old college roommate, Ann Landers. For the last year or so, Ann’s been running cute “how we met” stories sent in by her readers. Most of these stories, like most of Ann’s readers, have been grimly wholesome. … Read More »

Lonely, Suicidal, and POPULAR!

I just finished reading your response to “Lonely and Suicidal,” the blue-collar man having a hard time meeting women in the San Francisco Bay Area. (LAS is the guy who threatened to kill you, Dan, if you made fun of him, remember?) In your response, you stated that perhaps LAS’ inability to meet women in … Read More »

Stockholm Syndrome

My problem isn’t very amusing, but I hope you’ll print it anyway. My seven-year relationship has come to a messy end. My girlfriend and I are both deeply closeted and utterly codependent. Although we’ve had some fantastic times, she has also had a couple of flings with other women. I didn’t want an open relationship, … Read More »

Blue-Collar Loser

I am a 32-year-old white male, 6’1″, 220 lb. I am heterosexual, and live in the Bay Area, where I earn a passable blue-collar income. The problem: I have been involuntarily celibate for four years. I can’t even get a girl to go out with me. I’m always turned down with lines like, “Well, I’m … Read More »

Equal Rights for Sluts

I was really surprised at the advice you gave to Orgasmless in Seattle, the horny girl going off to France. It was so sensible! I can’t help but think that if it had been a gay boy going to France, you would have told him to have as much fun as possible, just remember to … Read More »

Coup Français

I’m leaving for France next month, and this is the first time I’m going to be on my own for an entire month with no parents, chaperones, or people who will gossip about me to my “nice” church-going family.Anyway, I am determined to get laid while I’m in France. It’s the other side of the … Read More »

Fucking Assholes

My BF and I went to the gay pride celebrations in New York City last weekend. Toward the end of the pier dance, a lot of people were turning the event into a “grope-a-nanza,” which was made easy by the jam-packed conditions. I was standing behind my BF and he was pressed tight against the … Read More »

Sexy Mamas, Kiddie Porn

I’m the creative type: I write, I draw, I compose. Mostly, though, I cartoon. And, oh yes, I’m a fetishist–nothing illegal, but still unusual. (Look up “maeiusophilia,” if you must know.) I do a lot of erotic (by my standards) artwork, and it’s a shame to keep these drawings to myself. All fetishes now have … Read More »

Dump the Geek.com

My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years. He has been a programmer for as long as I have known him, which has meant dealing with him occasionally not sleeping for four days straight, him being on call for work 24 hours a day, and programming breakthroughs coming to him during intimate moments. … Read More »

Impaled by E-mail

Why don’t you take advantage of e-mail technology? Instead of publishing a single response to a letter you received (probably via e-mail!), why don’t you send a response directly to the person with the problem? Then wait for the advice-seeker to respond, and publish the whole back-and-forth for your readers. That way we wouldn’t be … Read More »

Sexy Psychos

I’m stuck in a mentally and sometimes physically abusive relationship with a total cunt. She’s whaled on me before in drunken rages, but I’ve never hit her back because I just can’t hit a chick. She’s only a cunt when she’s drunk, and that’s only some of the time. The rest of the time she’s … Read More »

A Little T & A

Hey, Everybody: A few weeks ago, Giddy Schoolgirl wrote me about a crush she had on a 31-year-old TA (teaching assistant) at her university, and said she was reluctant to fuck him for fear of getting her TA into “deep shit.” I advised the 18-year-old to fuck her 31-year-old TA, pointing out that the promise … Read More »

Baby Talk

I’m 21 and my girlfriend is 22, and we’re having a baby. She wants to give the baby up for adoption, or get married and raise the baby together. If I had never gotten her pregnant I think I would have married her eventually, but right now I’m not ready. I have always wanted to … Read More »

S&M Q&A

I read your recent column about a man having trouble incorporating BDSM into his marriage. I’m in a similar situation. In it, you wrote that men are more likely to be kinky than women. But I’m a woman, and I’m kinkier than my husband. I was a virgin until I was 22, never had any … Read More »

Bend over, Boyfriend

I’m a 17-year-old breeder chick. I really love guys. The problem is, I want to be the one with the dick. I’ve heard of guys who will let their wives fuck them up the ass with a strap-on. What I’ve never heard of is a teenage boy who’ll let me fuck him up the ass. … Read More »

Pornoholics Anonymous

My husband and I are passionately in love. Our sex life is truly amazing. Our problem: As far as I’m concerned, he is obsessive about collecting sexual material. He continually purchases all kinds of porno magazines. He keeps a photo album of us (which he claims he looks at most frequently), and also has a … Read More »

Sticky Situations

I’m a newly re-married 50-year-old man. My wife and I have settled into a comfortable vanilla-sex routine. I enjoy it. My problem is that I also enjoy kinky sex. When I was single I used to see pro-doms pretty regularly. I’ve tried to introduce BDSM (bondage/discipline/sado-masochism) to my wife gently, but without much success. She’s … Read More »

Eat It Mister

My ex-boyfriend was the first man to give me a real orgasm, and he did it with his tongue. He was extremely unselfish, and would stay down there for as long as it took me to get off. We broke up three years ago, and in that time I have had four lovers, all of … Read More »

Closet Cases

My partner and I have been together one and a half years. He had never been with a man prior to me. My boyfriend has put off telling his family and his close friends that he is gay. I firmly believe that there is no right moment to come out, and that everyone has to … Read More »

All Day Suckers

I am a 24-year-old womandating a 39-year-old former porn actor. At first I was willing to believe he did porn to “support his art,” but now it seems that if he’s an artist at all, it’s of the pick-up variety. He constantly tells me he’s a sexual athlete who needs to have group sex. I … Read More »

The Final Round

Hey, everybody: Four weeks ago, I mentioned that all men wanna fuck around. Three weeks ago, women wrote in insisting that men don’t wanna fuck around. Two weeks ago, guys wrote in to tell women that, yes, they DO wanna fuck around. These guys also wanted to know if all women were delusional. Well, this … Read More »

Men Are Pigs

Hey, everybody: In a recent column, I wrote that straight men wanna fuck women other than (or in addition to) their wives and girlfriends. Lots of women wrote me insisting this wasn’t the case, that the men they love only wanna fuck them. Not a single straight man wrote in to complain, however, which I … Read More »

Lesbian Lobsters

I recently got a really sick e-mail, and I was wondering if you could tell me if it was for real. Some chick woke up with cramps, goes to the bathroom, and… well, why don’t you read the e-mail? Here it is. Be warned, though, it’s pretty disgusting. “One morning around 5:00 a.m., 22-year-old Susan … Read More »

Boys Will Be Boys

Your boys-will-be-boys advice to Strip Club Widow REALLY bothered me. You told her that most straight guys want to fuck other women, and that she should turn a blind eye to her boyfriend going to strip clubs because it probably helped him blow off that wanna-fuck-other-women steam. Most straight men do NOT want to fuck … Read More »

Phony Baloney

Through frequent self-stimulation, I have developed my love muscles to the point where I can ejaculate four to five feet in the air. Is this considered a normal level of ability, or does my range surpass that of the average American male? Here is a related problem: My precious bodily fluids often hit my eye … Read More »

Time Bombs

I’m a man in my mid 30s, and I just started dating after the end of a five-year relationship. The last three dates I’ve had have been with women in Terminator-style, search-and-be- impregnated missions: “Has job…. Does not live at home…. Full head of hair…. MATCH! MATCH! MATCH!” For these women, a successful date isn’t … Read More »

State of the Union

Helpless Before My Addiction’s habit of licking cum off of the floor in peepshow booths is more common than you might think. A good friend worked as a live performer at Show-World on Eighth Avenue and 42nd Street in New York City, before Mayor Giuliani ridded the city of jack-off emporiums, and she tells me … Read More »

Three is the Magic Number

I am a 15-year-old bisexual male in a serious relationship with a woman four years my senior. She suggested that we try experimenting with threesomes, and I thought it was an amazing idea because it was one of my biggest fantasies: sex with her and another woman or another man. Three weeks ago I met … Read More »

The Squirts

I just read your recent vaginal discharge column and I have to say that you have GOT to get some better sources of information about women. Yes, various glands in the vagina produce wetness when a woman gets turned on. That part was fine. As for vaginal “discharge,” I refer to a book called Taking … Read More »

A Close Shave

I would like to remove the hair from my butt, but it’s hard to fit the razor in my cleavage. Which depilatories are safe for the area? Hairy Butt Blues After reading your to-the-point letter, HBB, the old, insensitive, helpful, pre-Labiagate Dan Savage would have found the safest, quickest way to rid yourself of yer … Read More »

Viva Las Vegas!

Las Vegas is a sexy city, and I am a sheltered Seattleite. I want to explode! Should I become a showgirl? I am 21 years old and still live with my folks. I hate it so much that I eat for refuge and pacification. The weather here makes me depressed. I am self-destructing! I’ve always … Read More »

Vaginal Gnomes

Everybody knows that when a girl is ready to have sex, her vagina gets wet — but what produces the wetness? My girlfriend and I were arguing about this. I think it is from sweat glands. Are there sweat glands in the vagina? Is this what produces the wetness? And what about vaginal discharge? Is … Read More »

Go Long!

A woman who called herself “Jagger Lips” recently wrote in concerning the length of her labia. Of all the possible replies, I was horrified to read the thoughtless, glib response you chose to give. If a man wrote in that he suspected his penis was longer than most based on the comments of a few … Read More »