I’m a male in my late 60’s with what I think is an unusual problem. My wife of almost 40 years and I have a good sex life and it’s gotten better since the kids moved out. Every two or three days, I give my wife a neck and deep gluteal massage and then she … Read More »

My husband and I have been together fifteen years and been through pretty much all of the ups and downs sexually that a monogamous relationship offers. Two years ago, my husband was in an accident and broke his back. The accident resulted in some mild-to-moderate nerve damage to his legs and a newfound case of … Read More »

My boobs began to get bigger — apropos of nothing — in my early thirties. A lot bigger. No weight gain, they just started growing and didn’t stop. I hated it. I’m very active, and they were heavy and miserable and got in the way. So, I had a breast reduction and had never been happier. It was freedom… … Read More »

I’m a 45-year-old cis woman. I’ve been married to a cis man for almost twenty years. About a year and a half ago, I made out with a woman at a party, and everything clicked. I realized something was missing in my life, and I started exploring my attraction to women with my husband’s blessing. … Read More »

What’s the sexiest holiday food to eat off someone’s body? While food can be sensuous, you don’t eat food off someone’s body unless you’re fucking or about to fuck… and fucking on a full stomach is uncomfortable, which is why I’m always urging people to #FuckFirst” on Valentine’s Day (and their wedding days, birthdays, anniversaries), … Read More »

Dear Readers: I’m off for Thanksgiving. I was to tempted to re-run this column again — which has the single best Thanksgiving-related question that has ever appeared in an advice column — but I re-ran that column last year. So, instead I’m re-upping a column that appeared just before Thanksgiving in 2016. — Dan I’m a … Read More »

I might be falling in love with my husband’s identical twin brother. My husband and I have been in a traditional monogamous cishet straight marriage for twelve years. It wasn’t until the last few years that I started catching feelings for my brother-in-law, who is also married. I first started to notice my BIL in … Read More »

Dear Readers: Well, fuck. Reading a sex-advice column at a time like this — to say nothing of writing a sex-advice column at a time like this — might seem a little pointless. But I’ve lived long enough to know that seemingly pointless distractions, small comforts, and guilty pleasures have the power to sustain us … Read More »

1. This debate is raging again, Dan, and we need you to issue a ruling: Do straight women belong in gay bars? Some (straight women, gay bars), not all (straight women, gay bars). 2. Why do men keep ghosting me after sex? I’m a 25-year-old woman. No clue. You could’ve had a string of bad … Read More »

I am a bisexual cis woman in my forties. My boyfriend is a straight cis man in his thirties. I had limited experience prior to our relationship. That being said, it hasn’t stopped my boyfriend from providing all the pleasure I can imagine for the most part. There is just one thing I want to … Read More »

I am a 45-year-old woman married to a wonderful 43-year-old man. We just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. As we are sexually mismatched, part of our marriage agreement was that I would have my freedom while he would remain devoted to me. How has that worked out? Wonderfully, for the most part. While my husband’s … Read More »

I am a 28-year-old cisgender sex-repulsed asexual gay man. While some asexuals choose to have sex for the pleasure it provides their partner, sex-repulsed asexuals like me do not engage in sexual activity and do not wish to be exposed to it. As a sex-repulsed asexual gay man, I feel alienated when I enter gay spaces like … Read More »

Dear Readers: It’s my birthday this week — thank you very much — and I’ve retreated to a secret, undisclosed location (without Internet access!) to ignore, er, celebrate the occasion. So, in place of a regular column (you ask, I answer) below you’ll find some questions I posted to Struggle Session, a weekly bonus column … Read More »

1. Quick & dirty question about online dating: What’s the best next step after texting? Audio message? Phone call? Video date? Or a quick, in-person meet-up? I recommend a quick video call — a brief FaceTime chat — before that first brief, in-person meeting in a public place. If someone isn’t willing to jump on … Read More »

I’m a gay man in his early 30s who’s into sex stripped down to its most basic elements: tops come in, fuck me, come and go. I’ve moved to a new city. One guy in his mid-twenties came over, and we had awkward but passionate sex like that. We chatted a little afterward. I went to … Read More »

After 19 years together, my husband and I have finally managed to have a really good conversation about our desires. We both struggled to nail down what it is we want — he is a long-term Catholic guilt sufferer — but got to talking about what porn he likes. Turns out he’s into these coercive type scenes, … Read More »

What do you think of a man who lied to a woman to manipulate her into staying in a relationship knowing that if he told her the truth she would leave? My boyfriend agreed to exclusivity and monogamy. He immediately began to violate this agreement. He lied repeatedly to me about who these other people … Read More »

1. Why do so many people — even kinky ones — regard the Daddy/babygirl dynamic as hot but think Mommy/little boy role play is disturbing? Because people can’t stand to see middle-aged women happy and in control. 2. Am I on the asexuality spectrum or do I just have a very low sex drive 95% of … Read More »

Dear Readers: Instead of digging through all the emails that hit my inbox this week, I grabbed the first five questions at the top of the pile and answered them in the order they came in. — Dan I am a man. I met a beautiful Nepalese woman at work. The co-worker who introduced us … Read More »

Straight, monogamous, cisgender couple here. Six years together, two years married. My husband loves board games, problem-solving, and anything that gets his brain going. But like many straight white cis dudes, he’s not particularly aware of what motivates him. He’s also not straightforward with exactly what turns him on. But one thing he likes is … Read More »

I’m a queer cis woman in my late 30s with a problem: I don’t like having my pussy eaten. This isn’t about me being uncomfortable with the way my pussy looks or smells or tastes. I just don’t like the sensation. At best, I get close but eventually plateau, which is frustrating. At worst, it … Read More »

I’m a 26-year-old cisgender woman who works from home. I’m going on the second business trip of my career later this month. The first time, I had a hotel room to myself. This time, I’ll be sharing a room with one other person. Thing is, I snore. Not an insane amount, but I’m definitely a … Read More »

I’m a neg boy who loves getting bred by mature poz men. I want their loads in me, no questions asked. I’m not on PrEP. Too deviant?  Too stupid, too reckless — and too old and too tired. The gay world was roiled by “bug chasers” (HIV-negative gay men who were trying to get themselves … Read More »

My partner and I have been together nearly thirty years. He was never as into sex/romance/intimacy as much as I was, and things got worse after he had a malignant brain tumor removed six years ago. After chemo and a stem cell transplant, he is now cancer-free. However, he lost all interest in sexual and … Read More »

Literally the only sex I’ve had is being raped. The only person who ever expressed any passion for me — the only person who ever made me feel sexy and desirable — was my rapist. While other people get to look back on great and terrible sex, all I have is a sex crime. A big part … Read More »

Question about genders and dating apps which I will try to keep brief. I am a 45-year-old married cis male. After more than a decade of dipping in and out of the swinging lifestyle, my wife and I have decided to open up to dating other people. I’m trying to catch up with the language … Read More »

For the longest time I’ve been into the feederism kink. It’s specifically the weight gain aspect of this kink — making myself or others bigger — that turns me on. I’ve always felt uneasy about this due to the health risks and have kept it hidden. I recently got a wonderful girlfriend, our relationship is great, … Read More »

I am new to polyamory. I am an ethically non-monogamous hetero woman in her 50s and recently re-entered into my first secondary sexual relationship with a married friend whom I’ve known all my life. We lost touch after college, but he reconnected and restarted it. Is it normal to want to know if he has … Read More »

My question could come across as kink shaming. That is not my intent. I am a habitual self-harmer who is planning to seek therapy. However, I find myself unable to stop comparing attitudes towards the kind of self-harm I’ve engaged in with attitudes toward BDSM pain play. When I was a teenager, I would describe … Read More »

Dear Readers: I’m traveling today. Please enjoy this infamous column from the first decade of Savage Love. — Dan As an avid reader of your column, I thought of you and only you for help with this problem. My grandmother, 78 and widowed, is a kind, generous woman who has seen her share of difficult … Read More »

1. Is pegging only for butts or can vaginas get pegged too? I’m not a pegging purist. When the term originated in my column — when my readers selected “pegging” as the name for a woman fucking a man in the ass with a strap-on dildo — it was gendered; pegging was something a woman did … Read More »

I’m frustrated. I’m transmasc and use silicone “attachments.” My partner is AMAB. Also relevant: We have very old hardwood floors, non-laminated. For YEARS, I have expressed frustrations about the careless ways my partner handles silicone lube. Multiple times, he has created dangerous slippery spots on the floor by spilling it. Our old hardwood floors absorb … Read More »

I’m an intelligent, open-minded mom of a 13-year-old boy. Recently, I’ve found out that my son entered into an online Dom/sub relationship where he asked his “Mistress” to give him degrading tasks like consuming his own semen. Of course, his “Mistress” asked him to “prove his loyalty” by providing her with money in the form … Read More »

I’m a 40-year-old woman, he’s a 35-year-old man, we’ve been together for fifteen years. We met young, and I was his first serious partner. In the beginning, sex was fun, but I’ve never had an orgasm with anyone, ever. We had a ton of other things in common and we stayed together because it mostly … Read More »

I recently discovered that my on-again/off-again boyfriend of ten years has been using online classifieds to schedule encounters with men. He creates posts when he’s out of town for work and he’s very specific about what he’s looking for. The acts are punitive in nature (but consensual) and he is always on the receiving end … Read More »

1. I’m 53-year-old straight woman. I’ve been talking with a guy online for three years — text, voice, video. I am in love with him. He is my daily companion and says he loves me. He lives 269 miles away. He doesn’t want to meet me, although he isn’t married, and lives alone. I’ve tried … Read More »

I’m a cis gay man in Canada. Other than my supportive enby partner of five years and a few close friends, most people in my life don’t know that I’m a fetish content creator. My stuff delves into the foot porn/macrophilia (love of giants) space. I don’t make enough to live off, but it’s a … Read More »

My boyfriend wants my permission to see sex workers. He did this quite a bit before we were together. He goes to Canada, where it’s legal and supposedly safer. He says he’s just trying to be open and honest about his desire for variety and that I should be glad he doesn’t want to cheat. … Read More »

I’m a woman in a new polyamorous relationship with a man who has a five-year-old daughter. He and his ex-partner split up a year ago and until two weeks ago, his ex wasn’t allowing him to see his child. However, once she learned of my existence, she suddenly changed her mind. I believe she’s letting … Read More »

1. I’m a single cis gay man and I’ve been going back and forth between wanting an open relationship or a throuple/quad when I start dating again. Do you have any advice or recommendations for finding out more about gay throuple/quad relationship structures? I’ve talked about open relationships and relationship anarchy with my peers and … Read More »

I’m involved with a guy who’s married and, yes, I’m a cliché and I know it. I don’t want him to leave his wife. I don’t even want to be involved with him physically and we aren’t doing anything physical. We’ve both been good about maintaining that boundary. But we are very involved emotionally. We … Read More »

I’m having a weird reaction to someone I’m involved with. I find myself wanting to punish him for the slightest transgressions and scold him or give him the silent treatment until he apologizes. The poor guy hasn’t done anything very wrong — nothing wrong wrong — he’s just failed to meet my unreasonably high expectations for him. … Read More »

I have a history of dating men I’m not attracted to physically or emotionally. I always found it weirdly comforting to know my boyfriend was obsessed with me while I had minimal feelings for him. I have explored this in therapy and chalk it up to lack of self-confidence. But a month ago I started hanging … Read More »

Would it be inappropriate to introduce my girlfriend to the kink/swinger scene if I plan to break up with her? I’ve been unhappy for a decade, but I’ve been able to fake the funk until pretty recently. I’ve been failing at that lately and the lack of sex is making her unhappy, as she has … Read More »

1. Best advice on dating without resorting to apps? Go places, do shit, meet people — fuck, rinse, repeat. 2. I’m about to visit a gay nudist resort for the first time (although I’ve been to heterosexual nudist resorts in the past). I’ve been bi all my life and am now in my 70s. What … Read More »

I’m off this week. Please enjoy this column that originally ran in December of 2014. — Dan What is your stance on maintenance sex? I’d never thought about the issue until reading Amy Poehler’s new memoir. I didn’t find anything she said controversial and was surprised when this quote blew up in the feminist blogosphere: … Read More »

My heart is breaking and it’s my own fault. I started cheating on my husband of 29 years, casually at first — making out, getting groped, no penetrative sex — and then I met a man and we just clicked. I caught feelings and we started to have an intense, kinky, and very sexual and emotional … Read More »

A therapist suggested I might have “Relationship OCD,” which is OCD with the obsessions and compulsions focusing on romantic relationships. While I haven’t been formally diagnosed, it rings true to me. As soon as I get close to someone, I experience so much anxiety. If I kissed a partner and they kissed me in a … Read More »

1. How does one tell the difference between when someone says they love you in a Platonic way and when someone says they love you in a romantic way? One asks a direct question: “That’s nice — but do you mean that platonically or do you mean that passionately? Like, do you just wanna hang out … Read More »

I was seeing this guy for about four months. We were pretty much dating, doing all of the normal boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. Everything was going great up until last night when he told me he feels all of these feelings for me, but they don’t mean anything because he’s felt this same way about others, but … Read More »

I’m a cishet woman, married twenty years, three kids at home. My marriage is generally happy but it’s sexless. Going “companionate” was his decision, not mine. The absence of sex is driving me crazy, so my husband has given me his blessing to get sex elsewhere. It’s tricky, though, as it’s hard for me to … Read More »

My boyfriend recently broke up with me. He confessed that he has been battling an addiction to orgies and couldn’t show up for our relationship in the ways I needed him to. Basically, he uses drugs and logs onto Grindr or Sniffies to find sex parties. He is into the kink of anonymous breeding. He … Read More »

Have you ever seen a successful relationship when the sex was difficult from the start? Or even stopped early in the relationship? I have been with my boyfriend since August and I honestly lost my desire for him early on. He’s a bit of a hoarder and has some self-care and cleanliness issues, which I … Read More »