Savage Love Archives for 2025

Dear Readers: I’m away this week — I’m on a mountaintop with my out-laws — so no new Savage Love today. This column originally ran on November 6, 2018. I want to thank everyone who read, listened, commented, and — most importantly — sent in a question over the last year. This is the best gig … Read More »

I’m a 28-year-old gay man who isn’t going home for Christmas for the first time in my life. I’ve been out since I was fourteen and my family has been amazingly supportive, and they love my boyfriend of four years. (They hated my first and third boyfriends, so it’s not like they love anybody I … Read More »

Like I said last week… I’m taking a break from Struggle Session until after the new year. But I’m gonna keep sharing a question from a reader that isn’t — for reasons of length or timing — going to make it into the column. I was calling these letters “GangBangs,” since the whole gang gets … Read More »

My partner is still in love with her ex. For ten years she believed him to be the love of her life. It’s been two years since they split and there’s no possibility of them getting back together because he betrayed her in the most despicable possible way. It was the kind of betrayal that … Read More »

I’m taking a break from Struggle Session until after the new year — the HUMP Jury meets this week, I have early deadlines for the holidays next week, the week after that is chaos and carbs — but I’m gonna keep the GangBangs coming! My boyfriend and I have been together a long time and … Read More »

Cisgender bi-female late forties, living in the Bay Area. My boyfriend and I have been dating six months and are very much in love. His friends party quite a bit, lots of drinking and other party favors, and we all enjoy feeling good on the dance floor. The first time I met one of his … Read More »

Struggle Session is a bonus column where I respond to comments — just a few — from readers and listeners. I also share a letter that won’t be included in the column and invite my readers to share their advice. Q22 in this month’s Quickies column was from a “vagina-having person” who was wondering whether … Read More »

1. Is Donald Trump a gay man? I can’t think of anything that screams “closeted gay” louder than building a golden ballroom. Donald Trump has been married to three different women (two of whom were immigrants), he’s been credibly accused of sexual harassment and assault by dozens of women, and he was found liable — … Read More »

Like most of my readers, I’m taking the day off — Happy Thanksgiving to all who masticate — but we have readers (and Magnum Subs!) all over the world. So, for our international readers, I’m going to share a few questions that came in this week. A little something for our commenters outside the US … Read More »

I’m gay and go to a small liberal arts school. I have a crush on this one guy, but he brought up — unprompted — that he’s Aro/Ace. I really like him. We have great conversations in a lab we have together, and I think he’s super attractive. But every time I’ve tried to extend our … Read More »

Hey, everybody: I’ve got early deadlines all over the place — the holiday season is here — so we won’t be having a proper struggle this week. But I wanted to quickly share this suggestion from Master Wolfe for the caller who could only come during PIV if the guy had a girthier cock… Listening … Read More »

The person who introduced me to you — my wife — is the source of my woes. We have a child and a lovely home and financial security. But the issue is my feelings of sexual dissatisfaction. My wife suffers from health issues that make sex painful. I never pressure her, and her wellbeing is … Read More »

Struggle Session is a bonus column where I respond to comments — just a few — from readers, listeners, haters, and fans. I also share a letter that won’t be included in the column and invite my readers to share their advice. So, there’s a joke in this week’s Savage Love about bartenders in gay … Read More »

I’m a straight male who is not well endowed — I’m at the edge of the scale used to describe average penis size — and I watch porn both alone and with my wife. I suddenly find myself becoming more and more fascinated with larger penises. Specifically: What is it like to have one?  Like most straight … Read More »

Struggle Session is a bonus column where I respond to comments — just a few — from readers, listeners, haters, and fans. I also share a letter that won’t be included in the column and invite my readers to share their advice. (NOTE: I scheduled this post to go live on Thursday before I left … Read More »

1. I’m a 34-year-old woman who has been with a man I really enjoy for three years. There are a few reasons I don’t think we’re going to last forever. Most importantly: I’m not planning to have kids. He knows that but he wants them. Do I cut it off or let it run its … Read More »

Is Donald Trump a closeted gay man? I can’t think of anything that screams “secretly gay” louder than building a golden ballroom. Donald Trump has been married to three different women (two of whom were immigrants), he’s been accused of sexual harassment and assault by dozens of women, and he was found liable — by a … Read More »

The fact that I’m in an LTR with a partner who knows I’m bi, is fine with me exploring with other guys, allows to me seeing professional dominants, and has experimented with me over the course of our relationship is probably all down to what I have learned reading your column and listening to your … Read More »

Hey, everybody: I’m not feeling well — can’t shake this cold I’ve had for more than two weeks — so this one is gonna be short… Says Anonymous via email… Comment for the 48-year-old female caller, dating man 12 years younger, who called in to Episode 990: Proceed with caution. I also got involved in … Read More »

I’m the parent of a 14-year-old boy who is on the autism spectrum. Recently, I discovered that he has been searching online for some niche sexual material. Because of his autism, he tends to hyper-fixate on things, and I’m concerned about what might happen if I ignore this. Could it affect his future sexual development … Read More »

Struggle Session is a bonus column where I respond to comments — just a few — from readers and listeners. I also share a letter that won’t be making in the column and invite my readers to share their advice. Tolyamorist spotted in the wild… My husband’s having an affair but doesn’t realize I know. … Read More »

Flashback: My last serious girlfriend was kinky. I am pretty vanilla — I’m not a natural sub — but I was game. We got into D/s play, and we went to some big fetish parties together. Her favorite “foreplay” was having me kneel between her legs while she showed me guys on dating apps she’d … Read More »

Struggle Session is a bonus column where I respond to comments — just a few — from readers, listeners, haters, and fans. I also share a letter that won’t be included in the column and invite my readers to share their advice. This email came from David… Hi, Dan. Just started reading this fascinating book. … Read More »

I’m a bi girl in a serious relationship with a bi guy, and said bi guy has a major thing for being cucked. We’ve had a few threesomes before, but only with bisexuals and the focus was on all three of us equally. Recently, though, we had a 2-on-1 threesome with a straight guy, and … Read More »

Hey, gang: I’m in Berlin on a quick birthday trip with the boyfriend… so, it’s gonna short session today. But please don’t think I’m slacking: I was today’s guest on Jung & Naiv, Germany’s biggest independent news and politics podcast. I spent more than two hours (!) talking about fascism, sexism, queer rights, Franco’s Spain, … Read More »

1. How’s anal with someone with pearls in their dick? I’m getting some installed soon. You’re referring to pearling, a body modification where small pearl-like beads are inserted under the skin of the penis. Post-pearling, your cock — to the untrained eye (read: most eyes) — is gonna look like it’s covered in cysts that … Read More »

I need help figuring out how to tell my kids I am non-monogamous. I’ve been non-monogamous for over five years and have been married for nearly fifteen years. My husband and I have three kids together, the oldest of which is now 14. My husband and I have not been sexually active for nearly eight … Read More »

It’s gonna be a very brief struggle session this week — hardly a session, barely a struggle — since I’m a dozen times zones away from home and dying of jet lag. Got this via email… With Jimmy Kimmel, many journalists, many professors, and even fast food workers getting fired and suspended for pointing out … Read More »

I hate to admit this, but I have a hard time feeling comfortable having sex or even talking to guys unless I’m drunk or high. I’m a trans man. I’m a sexual assault survivor. Admittedly, I’m also a bit insecure about myself. And while I’ve been in therapy for years, I don’t feel I’m making … Read More »

Struggle Session is a bonus column where I respond to comments — just a few — from Savage Love readers, Savage Lovecast listeners, and the occasional online rando. I also share a letter that won’t be included in the column and invite my readers to give advice. It’s gonna be a short one this week, … Read More »

I’m an early 40s lesbian in the Vegas area and I’m sorry to report that not all lesbians have gotten the memo that oral comes standard. I have faced this issue since I began dating. I’ve met many women who require creativity and persistence to come — and you know what? It’s my pleasure. I’m not … Read More »

Struggle Session is a bonus column where I respond to comments — just a few — from Savage Love readers, Savage Lovecast listeners, and the occasional online rando. I also share a letter that won’t be included in the column and invite my readers to give advice. So, I made this tiny little mistake — … Read More »

1. How do I ensure an HSV-2-positive new partner is taking their meds to reduce transmission risk? In a high-trust relationship, you trust your partner to take their meds. In a low-trust relationship, you insist your partner take their meds in front of you or send you a video of them taking their meds. 2. … Read More »

Struggle Session is a bonus column where I respond to comments — just a few — from Savage Love readers, Savage Lovecast listeners, and the occasional online rando. I also share a letter that won’t be included in the column and invite my readers to give advice. Excellent advice from YamatoGun for the caller who … Read More »

Long time reader! I’m a mostly straight boy in my early 20s with a new girlfriend. I say “mostly straight” because I’m into bondage and finding men who wanted to tie me up was always easier than finding women who wanted to tie me up. But I met a girl at a party early this … Read More »

Going to be a quick session today — we’re doing a Savage Love Live today at noon (Note: We did Savage Love Live yesterday at noon. Thanks to all who attended!) — but I wanted to share this email from Philip before getting into hair and makeup for the live show… Just when I thought … Read More »

I’m a 31-year-old heterosexual woman who has been married for nine years. The math: my husband and I got married right after university. Like you, I grew up Catholic, and as a girl/woman, all of the purity culture bullshit was foisted on me. Over the years, I’ve come to reject everything I was brought up … Read More »

Struggle Session is a bonus column where I respond to comments from Savage Love readers, Savage Lovecast listeners, and the occasional online rando. I also share a letter that wasn’t included in the column and invite you to give the advice! Okay, let’s struuuugle… RTPO asked me to expand on the “zone of erotic autonomy” … Read More »

Can you expand on your “zone of erotic autonomy” concept? It has been a big help to me in my relationship, but I’m wondering where the autonomous zone’s boundaries are. My partner is a major porn and masturbation enthusiast, and over the years, it has caused a lot of friction — the good kind for … Read More »

1. Advice for a gay 28-year-old university professor who wants to cruise the apps in New York City while somehow avoiding his students? “There’s no easy solution to online dating in places where you might encounter students,” said a sexually active gay university prof who lives and fucks (and wishes to remain anonymous) in a … Read More »

Dear Readers: I’m away on my last reconnecting-with-family trip of the summer. This column originally appeared in 2018. Back with an all-new, action-packed Savage Love Quickies column next week. — Dan I’m a professional dominatrix, and I thought I’d seen everything in the last five years. But this situation completely baffled the entire dungeon. This middle-aged … Read More »

I’m a cis bisexual American woman in my 30s, married to a man. I’ve been living in Europe for the past decade. I’m self-employed, and it’s a pretty lonely existence sometimes. I don’t speak the local language well. It’s a very tight-knit culture, and everybody seems like they’ve had their friend groups since birth.  I’ve … Read More »

I’m in my early twenties, and I’m looking to start exploring kink further, especially since my hometown is in a metropolitan area with a large kink community. I have no shame or fear about entering kink spaces beyond the typical nerves any beginner might have. I was lucky to be raised by some really awesome … Read More »

I’m a 44-year-old woman with a history of childhood sexual trauma. I enjoy sex if I’m with a partner I feel very connected to emotionally, but I’ve never had an orgasm. Because of this I tend to rely on pleasing my partner during sex rather than my own arousal. It works OK for me at … Read More »

1. What advice do you have for young people who want to have an open conversation with their partners about changing aspects of their sex life to make it more pleasurable without hurt feelings or awkwardness?  What’s more likely to lead to major hurt: A few awkward conversations now that (hopefully) lead to better conversations … Read More »

I’m 27-year-old Italian guy. I just got out of a situationship with a woman five years older than me. It was a total mess. She wanted everything to revolve around her and be in control of everything because she had bad relationships in the past. She wanted to date other people, but I was always … Read More »

Dear Readers: I’m at a family event — a happy one — this week. This column originally appeared in July 2013. Back with a new Savage Love next week. — Dan  I’m a 26-year-old straight female. I’m writing because I need to ask someone what to think right now. I just fucked a guy while … Read More »

My boyfriend went on a trip abroad with his friend (also a guy). After he came back, he showed me that he made a Bumble profile while he was there. I didn’t feel like anything was off or ask him to show me; he volunteered. He said that he was just curious to see how … Read More »

1. Queer boy in an open relationship with a silly question. I’ve started seeing someone recently. They’re cute and I enjoy their company, but they use a lot of cologne and it’s hurting my desire to be physical with them. I don’t know this person well and our trajectory is towards a friends-with-benefits sort of … Read More »

My girlfriend and I started to do butt play (her butt) about two months ago. It was a once-per-week thing, first with butt plugs and then, after two weeks, anal. Two weeks ago, shortly after anal sex, she caught a really bad flu (confirmed by a medical test) that lasted a week, with a stubborn … Read More »

I recently came home from a short meeting to find my husband in the bathroom with the door locked — locked to keep the kids out — meaning that he was secretly jerking off to porn while I was out. This has happened a few times before while I was home or out briefly and I’ve tried to … Read More »

I’m a 33-year-old gay man in a big city. I am currently in a five-month relationship with a wonderful, sweet man who loves me very much. I love him too. Prior to this I was in a throuple for three years. That relationship was toxic. I was the new addition to the throuple, and I … Read More »

1. I’m a heterosexual woman married to a heterosexual man, and we’ve been together fourteen years. We have two kids. We met in our late 20s, we’re now in our early 40s, and needless to say we are WILDLY different people — from who we used to be, and from each other, frankly. After having … Read More »

I’m a 33-year-old bisexual redheaded cis woman from Europe. Last week, I stumbled across the word “gingerism,” and an important part of my life clicked into place. I went down a rabbit hole of stories from other redheads who, like me, have been bullied, hypersexualized, and treated like mythical creatures since puberty. Honestly? It felt … Read More »

My wife and I are socially monogamous but have a DADT arrangement that applies if we’re not in our home city. While my wife would prefer that I divulge details to her, I don’t want to hear her details, so we defaulted to DADT based on my preferences. Because we aren’t out to friends about … Read More »

My always polite and very-high-functioning drunk husband was fucking around for the first fifteen years of our marriage. The other women were “unhappily married co-workers” who needed discretion. At the time, I thought our sex life was actually fairly normal. Things came to a head when I learned about a two-year affair he’d been having. … Read More »

I’m a gay 35-year-old guy in the San Francisco area. I’m heading on a weekend getaway with my boyfriend and two other gay couples. We’re all solid but purely platonic friends — at least so far — but turning this “couples’ getaway” into a group play extravaganza sounds so hot to me. I believe everyone is in … Read More »

1. How does one find the clitoris? I’m told the clitoris is not hard to find — go north, young man — but if one tries to find it and one fails, one should pull over (or pull out) and ask for directions. 2. If someone tells you to “do whatever you want,” should you? Someone who … Read More »

I have a problem that I’m not sure can be solved. I’m a single gay man who hasn’t touched anybody for sixteen years. Yes, you read that right: I haven’t touched another person for sixteen years. Sit with that for a couple of moments. Most people don’t believe me. I did something stupid in 1998 and had sex in … Read More »

I’ve been happily married to my wife for fifteen years. I’m a 54-year-old man, she’s a 55-year-old woman. While sex has never been our strongest suit, we’ve made the effort. But she now finds sex too painful and no longer wants to have intercourse. I’m on the larger side, which may or may not be … Read More »

I’m a 28-year-old woman married to my husband, a 29-year-old man, for almost two years, and we still haven’t had sex. We met through mutual friends, dated for less than a year, and we knew pretty quickly that we wanted to get married. Things between us felt right. We genuinely liked each other, and everything … Read More »

Dear Readers: The twentieth anniversary HUMP! Film Festival — the world’s biggest and best festival of short porn films — kicked off in Seattle, Portland, and San Francisco over the last two weeks. Our amazing new collection will be touring to more than forty cities over the next few months. (Go to humpfilmfest.com to find … Read More »

I’m a cis man in a monogamous relationship with a cis woman who is going through perimenopause. She was recently prescribed a boric acid suppository to help deal with some normal but persistent vaginal health issues. Her doctor and all the reliable online medical resources we’ve found said we should wait “24-48” hours after she … Read More »

Dear Readers: I haven’t felt so good since visiting a rustic pluck-your-own chicken place for dinner last week and — doctor’s orders — I’m not allowed to operate advice column machinery until I’m feeling better. Please enjoy this column from February 21st, 2017 and look for a brand-new column in this space next week. — Dan … Read More »

Dear Readers: When I open a column with “Dear Readers,” it’s usually to let you know I’m taking a week off. But this is a brand-new column! All new questions, all new answers. But I intentionally dug through the mail for relatively simple questions because I’m just fried from the news. So, if you wrote … Read More »

1. It turns me on when my husband fucks other men. It pisses him off when I do. His proposed “fix” is he gets to fuck other men (because I like it), but I don’t get to fuck other men (because he hates it). This hardly seems fair. If unfairness turned you on — if … Read More »

I am a 30-year-old cishet woman from the Pacific Northwest. I am reaching out today about faking orgasms. I have been dating this guy for about six months and he is perfect. I love everything about him and part of that is I feel like we have great sex. The caveat is that I have never … Read More »

I’m a lesbian in a big city. My partner of five years is the most wonderful woman I’ve ever met, and we are deeply in love, and plan to spend the rest of our lives together. She has a son from an early-in-life marriage to a man. He is eighteen years old, a senior in … Read More »

My wife and I are a lesbian married couple in Chicago. We are also proud moms to our wonderful, dynamic 17-year-old trans son. “Michael” is a great kid, and we have always enjoyed a close relationship. It has recently come to light that he is engaging in penetrative sex with men he meets on a … Read More »

1. Would you be willing to share my list of proposed gender-free pronouns with your readers, listeners, and followers? I’ve enclosed a graph listing them that details how they should be used. They are very liberating. Sorry, but I’m unwilling to share your list of new pronouns with my readers, listeners, and followers, as there … Read More »